New Beer For "Sophisticated" Millennials Will Get Millennials Drunker

After a period of recession during which Americans were drinking less beer, Americans are once again drinking plenty of beer. But the millennial generation is not drinking enough beer. That is where a multibillion-dollar international brewing conglomerate's marketing team comes in.

Millennials are young, hip, and in search of authenticity, which generally means, in practice, "new things to buy." (Millennials are greedy little materialists.) How can a big beer company that sells fuddy-duddy old brands like Miller and Coors appeal to these hip young influencers? By getting them drunker.

What we mean is, ah, by running commercials "set at night, in gritty, urban landscapes," in order to communicate to these savvy young drinkers that MillerCoors' new Miller Fortune™ brand of beer carries the same level of sophistication and taste that the cocktails did on that TV show "Mad Men" that so many millennials watch. Another thing that Miller Fortune™ brand beer carries is seven motherfucking percent alcohol, so after three or four Miller Fortune™ brand beers, members of the millennial generation will themselves be carried out of the bars they're in and deposited on the sidewalks of the surrounding gritty, urban landscapes.

"Spirits has done a good job of getting the hearts and minds of legal-drinking-age millennials, portraying offerings as more sophisticated," [MillerCoors chief marketing officer Andy England] added. "Enter Miller Fortune."

Enter Miller Fortune. This whole god damn article is thoroughly hilarious and we highly recommend reading it all. If you're a millennial you'll probably think it's cool.

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