The most important (read: only) piece of music criticism that the fashion world has ever paid attention to is running on Vogue UK's website: Donatella Versace on Mariah Carey's Me. I Am Mariah...The Elusive Chanteuse. The lioness meets the lamb.
"Mariah Carey is such an important part of my life, it feels like I've known her forever," is the opening air-kiss of Donatella's review. Hmmm, that's almost relatable, depending on how you define "important" and "known." I can almost say, "Me too." Donatella continues: "The first time I met her was at one of my fashion shows." OK, then. Not so relatable anymore!
Then Donatella reviews herself:
A few years later, Mariah had a day off from her world tour, and she flew from Sweden to Milan, just to come see one of my shows. That season, Beyoncé was also my guest, and the two together caused a sensation. Mario Testino was there, and he said he felt like he was in heaven.
She. She is Donatella...the cloistered virtuoso, according to TIME's Mariah Carey album-name generator.
Anyway, Donatella goes on about hanging with her good friend Mariah. Gowns, private planes, and Monte Carlo are mentioned. Finally, Donatella gets around to discussing the music of Mariah Carey. She says that she has been "desperate" for the release of Elusive Chanteuse because Carey "is a maverick, a woman who doesn't follow the rules, so I wasn't surprised when she released the album in her own way. With this album, Maria seems to write her own life."
"The first thing you should know about me," writes Mariah Carey on Elusive Chanteuse, "is that my name is actually Maria." Best [sic] ever.
Donatella then goes on to describe the Elusive Chanteuse songs that she can't stop listening to. It helps to read the entire review in Versace's inflection-free basso in the style of Gina Gershon. Or just imagine Nico saying these things about Mariah Carey's art.
Donatella on "You Don't Know What To Do":
I love how in this track Mariah's vocals contrast with Wale's rapping, it's like poetry. It just makes me want to dance. I want to listen to it all summer.
Donatella on "Meteorite":
"Meteorite" is so fantastic. It is upbeat, and it is fabulous.
Donatella on Mariah Carey's daughter, Monroe, who sings on "Supernatural":
You can already hear a steady vibrato in Monroe's voice!
Donatella on Miguel, who sings on "#Beautiful":
It features Miguel, who is one of the most exciting new artists around right now...
Donatella on her great friend George Michael, whose "One More Try" Carey covers:
George Michael is a great friend and one of my favourite artists, so I never think that anyone can do justice to his music.
Donatella on her good friend Mariah Carey, whose album she is reviewing:
I adore ["Cry."]. I know that it's the song that means the most to Mariah.
I want a one-act play depicting Mariah calling up Donatella to ask her to write this, and then Gershon reciting all of it.
[Donatella Versace image via Getty]