America, as a nation, is as drunk as it's been in a long, long time. We are seriously fucked up. We have a problem. It was bad enough when we were guzzling mouthwash and rubbing alcohol. Now, we've turned to something even more revolting: "whipped cream vodka."
The Wall Street Journal reports that the big growth in the booze industry lately is not coming just from the old-fashioned places (drunker children, drunker housewives, drunker driving). It is coming from booze that has been flavored with stomach-turning flavors that are—to put this in the proper perspective—even more disgusting than the flavor of vodka itself.
The U.S., meanwhile, has seen a candy and confectionery-flavored vodka boom. Flavored varieties account for more than a fifth of the consumption in vodka, which accounts for a third of spirits sold in the U.S., says Liberum Capital.
Kissed caramel and iced-cake versions of Smirnoff helped Diageo's North American operating profit rise 9% in the year ended in June. Whipped cream and cotton candy twists contributed to a 13% jump in the second-quarter sales of Beam Inc.'s Pinnacle vodka.
In my day we drank cheap rotgut vodka straight out of a used Mountain Dew bottle and smoked Philly blunts that tasted like construction paper and listened to Wu-Tang. Kids these days are drinking "cotton candy" vodka and smoking "candy apple" blunts. No wonder Drake is so popular.