My fellow Americans, it is time. Time for a life-altering journey of self-discovery and introspection with George W. Bush.
The great man's presidential library and museum—also known as the "Bush Center"—is set to open Thursday on 23 acres of the Southern Methodist University campus outside Dallas. The Bush Center is designed to honor two of Prince George's most viral passions in this world: imperial pomp and "Choose Your Own Adventure" books:
As president, he rarely had a chance to rest given the endless cascade of crises as visitors will experience in the Decision Points Theater. As many as 24 visitors at a time are presented with one of four situations—the invasion of Iraq, the troop buildup in 2007, Hurricane Katrina or the financial crisis. Visitors have four minutes to pull up videos of actors playing White House aides, generals, lawmakers and others giving advice, then they pick one of three options.
When the room has voted, either Mr. Card or Mr. Bolten appears on the main screen to announce the result. Then Mr. Bush appears to describe what he did.
What's unclear is why visitors to the brick-and-limestone museum should stop there. There could be thousands of interactive "decision points" for citizen-tourists:
- Do you a) read the August 11, 2001, presidential daily briefing titled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in US," or b) play golf?
- After learning of the 9/11 attacks, do you finish listening to "The Pet Goat" because a) You don't want to alarm the schoolchildren at storytime, or b) WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS TO THE GOAT???
- The failure of Bear Stearns raises larger questions about the viability of the secondary market in mortgage securities, and the real-estate paper underlying them. Do you a) explore tighter regulation of mortgage underwriting, asset-backed securities, and credit swaps, or b) clean up some underbrush on your ranch?
- Do you put Dick Cheney in charge of a) picking your vice president, b) gay and lesbian outreach, c) personally waterboarding the fuck out of everybody, or d) his own heart surgery?
- Do you a) nominate Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, or b) not nominate Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, or c) both?
- Do you a) eat the pretzel, or b) not?
- You are headed to 10 Downing Street for another meetup with Tony Blair. Will you be the a) top, or b) bottom?
- You are meeting with Saudi Prince Bandar to discuss oil rights and terror responses. Will you be the a) top, or b) bottom?
- You want to pay your respects to a bloated comatose Ariel Sharon in his Israeli hospital bed. Will you be the a) top, or b) bottom?
Boy, it is hard being the decider!