In February, the threat of HISTORIC, EXTREME SNOW whipped Weather.com into such a frothy euphoria that it combusted from within, vomiting broken mountain graphics all over its homepage. Now, the unbearable ecstasy of the final days of Kate Middleton’s pregnancy has driven E! Online—the relentlessly chipper, unnervingly dedicated sophomore class secretary of celebrity news—to the brink of insanity.
At around 1:30 Friday afternoon, the website published (and tweeted) a breaking news story titled DO NOT PUB: Kate Middleton and Prince William’s Famous Friends: Check Out Their Pre-Royal Baby Celebrity Circle, which was basically an excuse to link to this picture of the couple talking to Jennifer Lopez in 2011. The problem was that it was written for a reality yet to transpire, in which the royal couple has already had their baby, GENDER TK.
As many first-time parents quickly discover, now that they've had their firstborn, Prince William and Kate Middleton are finding their lives forever changed…
....And while they're no strangers to paparazzi, Will and Kate and their staff will undoubtedly have to work overtime to shield their little TKTKprince or princessTKTK from the prying eyes of nosy photographers once they move into their newly refurbished apartment at Kensington Palace in either September or October.
Of course, E! news went baby crazy long before today’s premature posting mishap. On Thursday, the network Twitter account diagnosed itself with “baby fever,” explaining that the recommended course of treatment was to watch an E! News special on the #HollywoodBabyBoom at 8|7c.
By our count, E! online has posted just shy of 30 stories relating to the royal baby since the start of the work week; roughly 6 per day, not including In Case You Missed It Twitter re-links. (ICYMI, Kate Middleton & Prince William’s royal baby has an official title already!)
And that's fine! I mean, there's no excuse for it to ever have happened under any circumstances, but sometimes you order an appetizer and a dessert and 14 more desserts just because! It's relaxing to read (and write) about news that is news because it's a pleasure — not because it's appalling.
So, in the spirit of a party planner's daughter giving birth to a little prince (or princess) of pageviews, here we present a round-up of E!'s most outlandish royal birth coverage:
10,000 Urgent Details You Absolutely Need to Know About the Birth of Kate Middleton's Baby.
Sometimes it’s fun to just imagine what Kate Middleton will look like the next time we see a picture of her. Historically, she has favored clothes. Should we expect more of the same in the future?
"Kate's former stylist Nikki Pennie predicts it will be 'something comfortable, low-key, conservative, and appropriate,' she exclusively tells E! News."
"With her upcoming hospital visit to give birth, followed by her exciting departure where we'll see the the royal wee one in her arms, the approaching events will mark an unforgettable moment in history."
For more on the cotton fibers and animal hides Kate Middleton might Saran Wrap around her body in a couple days, see: Will Kate Middleton Dress in Rags Like a Dirty Old Tramp for the Royal Baby’s First Portrait? (DETAILS).
One thing we know for sure about Kate Middleton's baby: it will be born in a place. But what do we know about that place? Is it safe for a baby? Is it better or worse than the manger into which our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was born roughly 2000 years ago? Does it have yogurt?
"Breakfast, meanwhile, offers up a bevy of selections of juice, fruit, yogurt, cereal, bread and hot beverages."
"And should Will stay the night, staff will provide a comfortable bed for him."
"'Once you've had your baby, you can have a special evening when the baby will go into the nursery, the nursery's nurses will look after it, and you have a special menu for you and your husband, with champagne, nice food. Just prepare you for the next 18-odd years of hell that could be in front of you,'" [a former patient] quipped.
For more on the room where Kate Middleton will have our baby, see: What is Kate Middleton’s Hospital Suite Like, But Like What Is It Really Like, But Like REALLY, What Is It REALLY, REALLY LIKE?
Sometimes, it feels like we are better prepared for this baby than Kate Middleton. Like, what’s she planning on bringing to the hospital? A hatbox full of diamonds? Your baby will need clothes, Kate!
"Of course, Kate should bring her own hairbrush and toiletries, any medication she takes as well as insurance documents (if appropriate). It's recommended she and Wills have a small amount of cash on them and leave any valuables behind. While each room has a safe, the hospital does not accept responsibility for loss or damage to personal property."
Does she know how to get to her hospital? Does her driver know how to get to her hospital? Do WE know how to get to her hospital?!
"If Kate needs a ride between midnight and 5 a.m., when Hyde Park is closed (even to the royal family!), she will have to be driven around the perimeter of the 350-acre expanse, which along with three other parks forms a chain that starts at the entrance of Kensington Palace and leads past Buckingham Palace to Horse Guards Parade off Whitehall road."
For more on travel itineraries, check out: How Will Baby Windsor Make Its Way Down the Birth Canal? A 2,000 Word Meditation on the Most Efficient Routes.
Even in a pregnancy as meticulously planned out by E! as this one, unforeseen developments can arise. Has Kate considered her pregnancy through the prism of the many-worlds interpretation, wherein every possible quantum outcome is realized in a separate reality?
"In her book, Kate: A Biography, author andOK! magazine's former royal correspondent Marcia Moody revealed that Carole was given emergency midwife training while becoming a British Airways flight attendant."
"Does this mean Kate's in labor?!"
For more on hypothetical situations regarding Kate Middleton's labor that theoretically could arise inasmuch as they do not appear to violate any known laws of physics, see: Could Prince Harry Deliver the Royal Baby If He and Kate Became Locked in a Broom Closet and All He Had Was Gloves, a Stick of Butter, and a Lot of Gumption?
Kate Middleton is a human woman with hair and eyes. Not so fast Kate! There's a baby on board. Can baby if baby royal baby baby baby?
"'That one's certainly going to look interesting, especially in pink,' the group's chairman, Sean Palmer, told NZ Newswire, noting the facility is constructed with corrugated iron."
"The Daily Mail reports that [a genealogy website] has revealed that Prince William and Kate Middleton's child will be the 23rd cousin twice removed of Beyoncé and Jay-Z's daughter Blue Ivy!"
To find out when this baby finally drops, keep refreshing Gawker.com for the rest of the day, maybe all weekend, and quite possibly well into next week. People are speculating that it's been due since yesterday.
[Image via Getty]
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