Poor Ed Snowden, who will never again be able to enjoy the smell of the homeland, step foot in the United States to go to Dave & Busters, or sample an unlimited Olive Garden pass. Right? Actually, indefinitely holing up in Moscow sounds pretty fucking sweet.
Look at them! He has his hand on his cheek like a little puppy-boy. How can you call that sheepish puppy-boy a traitor? If only the NSA were more like this photo agency, only recording the cute parts of our personal lives. They both look tremendous, healthy, happy, and glad to be sampling the famous Bolshoi theater—I'm so glad I gave up a career of exotic dancing in the Pacific Northwest to be here, perhaps trapped forever, she's thinking. Now look at yourself: look at those lines! Do you even like your boyfriend? You're too cowardly to even consider it. You wouldn't even move to be closer to each other after college, and she moved to Moscow. That's adorable.
The Mail also floats marriage rumors:
"Edward Snowden is happy that his girlfriend Lindsay Mills came to Russia and that she is supporting him," said lawyer Anatoly Kucherena. "It's hard to predict if they are going to have a wedding in Russia."
It's hard to predict, but maybe Snowden will soon be leaking the encrypted contents... of his heart.