Did you watch the Emmys last night? No? Good for you! They were kind of boring. And weird. Breaking Bad cleaned up for its final season and most of the shows you wanted to win (Game of Thrones, Orange is the New Black, True Detective) were shut out. Here's everything you missed:
E!'s red carpet coverage was somehow even more of a crazed children's cereal commercial than it normally is without Ryan Seacrest steering the ship. Lots of red, which you would think would clash with the carpet but not so! Sarah Silverman showed up to the awards ceremony with a vaporizer filled with weed. Sarah Silverman is better at preparing for the Emmys than most of us.
Host Seth Meyers had a terrible, unfunny opening monologue. (Seth, it's your job to do live television—what happened?) Thankfully, Jimmy Kimmel's mini-roast of Important Movie Star Matthew McConaughey slumming it at the Emmys was actually funny.
http://www.viddler.com/v/1a0e0c04A pre-taped segment with Billy Eichner interviewing people on the street about Emmy snubs was one of the only moments of true levity in the whole show. Everyone who felt Tatiana Maslany was wrongly denied a nomination, Eichner made this to tell you: no one cares.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus won another (deserved) Best Comedy Actress Emmy for Veep. She rewarded herself by planting a huge one on Bryan Cranston, who played a love interest of hers on Seinfeld way back when.
Gwen Stefani and Adam Levine, pop stars who moonlight as reality singing competition judges who sit in giant, swiveling chairs, gave out the award for for Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series. Except Gwen Stefani has apparently never watched television in her life and pulled a John Travolta, calling winner The Colbert Report...something else.
It was big night for name brand Dad Jokes, culminating in Weird Al's made-up lyrics to lyric-less TV themes. The ones you sing in your head are probably better.
Cary Joji Fukunaga, who won for directing on True Detective, talks like McConaughey, but looks like what you would get if crossed a lithe high fashion male model with one of those burly and gruff ones you see in an L.L. Bean catalogue. He looks like he could strike a pose and then chop down a tree. The guy's hot.
But of course, even in this Emmys' seemingly unparalleled dullness (not a single surprise winner the whole night, really), the ceremony's affecting in memoriam reel with Sara Bareilles and touching tribute to Robin Williams from Billy Crystal was a devastating coupling. The last few seconds of Williams' tribute included a bit from a 1986 standup special, whose punchline had to be cut to appease network censors.
You can find a complete list of the night's winners here.
[Videos via NBC]