The Golden Globes have come and gone, and this is all you need to catch up—the best, worst, and most awkward jokes, speeches, and moments from the 71st Golden Globe Awards.
Let's kick it off with an actual title card from E!'s red carpet coverage:
Yep, the red carpet was just as bad as it always is. On E!, Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic competed to see who could make more excruciatingly awkward conversation. (Later, on NBC, Matt Lauer and Savannah Guthrie joined in competition.) The highlight for the pre-show was nominee Jennifer Lawrence photoboming fellow nominee Taylor Swift—only to tell her "I was going to push you down the stairs" (GIF via Matt's GIFs):
Honestly we mostly just felt like this:
Once the show actually started, though, we got the best ten minutes of the whole thing: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's opening monologue (duologue?) featuring the show's best joke, a Gravity-related Clooney zing (and its worst, an un-landable "blacklist" joke at the end). It's worth watching the whole thing in full.
Almost immediately after the opener we got the show's weirdest—and maybe its best—speech, a genuinely bizarre ramble from Jacqueline Bisset, who won the Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries, or Television Film award for her work in the BBC/Starz series Dancing on the Edge. (Rich Juzwiak has transcribed the whole thing here, if you're having trouble following it.)
From there we got the very boring HFPA president's speech, livened only by a cutaway to an even more bored Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. And then two nicely awkward moments with Diddy, the first a weird anecdote about St. Barths, the second a poorly planned hug with Bono.
Both Emma Thompson—a presenter—and Diane Keaton—giving to (or receiving for?) Woody Allen the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement award—appeared to be drunk, though Thompson may have just been fooling around, and Keaton may have just been acting weird.
(Speaking of Woody Allen! When the tribute to the director started, here's what Allen's ex-wife Mia Farrow, had to say:
— mia farrow (@MiaFarrow) January 13, 2014
All the awkwardness aside, what was good? Two of the best speeches of the night were by the SNL-alumni winners of the best actor and best actress in a TV comedy awards: Andy Samberg, who didn't plan a speech—and got a big weird smooch from Julie Bowen—and Amy Poehler, who gave Bono a big weird smooch of her own:
And, of course, the night's best moment might've been the somewhat drama best picture win for 12 Years a Slave, and director Steve McQueen's heartfelt speech: