Americans Want Food That's "Natural," a Word That Means Nothing

With the exception of the erosion of personal privacy and the growth of an ultra-powerful unaccountable economic elite over the course of several decades which we didn't notice because football was on, you can't put too much past Americans. Those Cocoa Puffs... are they natural? Don't try to fool us!

Americans do not grasp the fundamental concepts of science—indeed, we actively deny them—and we are one of the most obese nations on earth, so we ain't exactly nutritionists, over here. Still, we know enough to look at the label of whatever processed artificial Oreo-cookie-bit-encrusted flavor of Pop Tart we're currently buying very closely to see whether the word "natural" appears anywhere on that label. If so, we will buy it. If not, we will shoplift it, because who wants to be seen buying something that's not natural?

The Wall Street Journal reports that "51% of Americans seek out 'all natural' when food shopping." The paper also reports that food companies are now starting to pull the word "Natural" off their labels. Why would they do such a thing, when most Americans are actively seeking out "Natural" soda and cheez? Because they're getting sued left and right for false advertising for calling their various forms of chemical swill "Natural." Which seems just, until you take into account the fact that the world "Natural" has no real meaning whatsoever. Even the FDA has no actual legal standard for it. Everyone is just spitballing:

The litigation issue is complicated on both sides by the lack of clarity from the FDA. Judges this summer stayed lawsuits for six months against Gruma Corp.'s GRUMA.MX +0.42% Mission tortilla chips and General Mills Inc. GIS -1.03% 's Nature Valley granola bars, requesting FDA guidance on whether products with genetically modified organisms can be marketed as natural.

Other gray areas include processed ingredients like high fructose corn syrup, alkalized cocoa, sodium benzoate and ascorbic acid.

Hemlock: a natural product. I don't know what it is, but I want it in my food. This is America, god damn it.

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