In the latest dispatch from the eight guidos in the most important sociological experiment of our time, there was an arrival and a departure, a reunion and break up, a prank and a fight, and one woman tottering around on high heels over the cobblestones. Shit got absolutely Shakespearean.

Finally it was the long-heralded arrival of Snooki's boyfriend Jionni, a trained monkey that Snooki has taught to do her bidding but rebelled and ripped off the face of everyone around him. It was Murder in the Rue Morgue but in Italy and it ended with warm tears dropping on cold stones. Oh, the emotional devastation.

Before we can get to that, let's look at the guido's language, so that we won't have to footnote this Elizabethan drama while we read it.

• Wildebeest: In the great guido tradition of naming classifications of people after animals (see hippos, gorillas, etc) here is a new one. A wildebeest is a girl who is not only unattractive but also completely insane. While this really bares no resemblance to the animal in nature, it is a label that has more to do with the name, which, to the guido, is a combination of "wild" and "beast."
• Feet Up: The guidos also love an ironic reversal. Idiomatically to have ones "feet up" means to relax, but to the guido it means to be on guard against an impeding attack. This comes from their propensity to engage with the enemy using ancient eastern forms of martial arts. While a boxer will put up his dukes before sparring, the guido puts up his feet, letting his attacker know that an attempted kick to the head is in the offing. It more often than not misses.
• Manduca: One of the creatively named clubs of Florence. This one is an outdoor venue meant to channel a beachy vibe. The guidos believe that it is named after a euphemism for the male primary sex characteristics. It is actually named after a poisonous moth.
• Balls: A synonym for the woman's breasts, but not on all occasions. Breasts are only referred to as balls when a woman is especially drunk and aggressive, therefore behaving like a man. Her breasts then take on the characteristics of testicles, which is what makes them sloppy and pushy.
• Wankster: A portmanteau that combines "wank" and "gangster." This shouldn't be taken to be a synonym for the more common aspersion "jerk-off." No. The guidos hate nothing more than inauthenticity, so this is meant to describe someone who is trying to behave like a gangster but isn't. It is someone who is living a fake lifestyle or somehow pretending to be bigger and badder than he really is.

Last week when we left Snooki and the Gang (New Jersey's best Cool and the Gang cover band) she was being hauled off to jail for hitting a cop car and driving without a license. The guidos were all like, "Yo, we're gonna get kicked out of Italy." That didn't happen. Snooki just got her license taken away and fined and sent home to wallow in her own misery. When she calls her boyfriend Jionni to tell him about what happened, his first question is, "Were you drunk?" instead of "Are you OK?" which just shows you where Jionni's head is.

We find out from Jionni that he was supposed to travel with Roger, the Mayor of Seaside Heights and JWOWW's boyfriend, but that Roger can't come. Snooki tells JWOWW and she immediately dials Seaside City Hall and gets Roger on the phone. Jionni is right. There is a huge fiscal crisis in Seaside and some mook ran off with all the money they raised to build a new band shell in the park and Roger, as the mayor, has to solve the crisis. He even had to go down to the park and take all the red out of the fund raising thermometer that has been on public display for months. Months! JWOWW had a good cry, but she knew what she was getting into when she became a politician's wife. She put on her pillbox hat and rounded up the girls for a night out.

Snooki, still shaken up from the accident, stayed home for a change to calm her nerves. This is perfect because it set up one of the best guido pranks of all time.