Frank Bruni Writes Column About Summer, As If Anyone Gives a ShitS

Although Frank Bruni is a bad newspaper columnist, he does write for a very influential newspaper, even if he doesn't always seem to know it. But we can't expect Frank Bruni to always be writing about "news." Sometimes, you just wanna say, "Hey, Frank: could you opine on the current season, for 800 words or so?"

Loyal readers who turn to the New York Times for the world's most thoughtful journalism are already well acquainted with Frank Bruni's views on food, and Netflix, and the Olympics. But gee, Frank, this Match.com "Interests" section that is your career will not be complete until we know how you feel about the current season of the year, summer. Well?

The calendar says that the season doesn’t officially begin for another two and a half weeks, but it functionally started on Memorial Day weekend. Not long after, the temperature in New York City hit 90 degrees on two afternoons in a row. If that’s a mere prologue to summer, please speed me to the index. The sweat-stained pages in between promise to be unbearable.

Haha, yes, in summer it is hot. The keen observatory powers of a professional journalist at work.

And summer movies, God help us, which are a dopey and clangorous breed apart. If they’re not sequels, they’re sequels to sequels or reboots of franchises I thought we’d booted to the curb long ago. In May alone we had our third “Hangover” and our third “Iron Man,” and we were “Fast & Furious” for a sixth time. The “Man of Steel” is en route, with “The Lone Ranger” and “The Wolverine” fast on his airborne heels. Summer is rush hour for superheroes.

It's true— in summer, there are movies. Many of which you have helpfully listed in the preceding paragraph. Thank you, sir. But Frank, what everyone really wants to know— the elephant in the room, so to speak (or maybe in the pool, because it's summer!)— is: what, pray tell, did your dermatologist tell you to do about all those bug bites that you get in the summertime??? (In the summertime Frank Bruni sometimes gets bug bites).

My dermatologist biopsied the Vesuvian one, only to determine that it would eventually shrink if I stopped scratching it, for which she gave me an ointment that has proved completely useless.

Frank Bruni holds what is widely considered to be one of the most desirable jobs in the professional writing world.

[NYT. Photo: Getty]