This week, members of the University of Florida’s Zeta Beta Tau fraternity are being investigated for allegedly spitting on a group of wounded war veterans, then stealing the veterans’ American flags and peeing on them. But this is only the most literal way in which frat boys are pissing on America. Fraternity guys love to pee. On anything, anywhere.
Herein we recount the recent history of idiot frat bros taking fraternal leaks on American people and things.
A Hotel Carpet: Peed On
Members of Sigma Alpha Mu at the University of Michigan were charged with causing more than $400,000 of damage to a resort during a winter break ski trip in January. Forty-five rooms were allegedly trashed. So was the hotel’s carpeting, which was peed on.
A Fraternity Pledge: Peed On
TKE and five of its members at Johnson and Wales University (a real, actual school) face a lawsuit this month from a pledge who says he was hazed so hard last November that he “went to sleep and woke up in the hospital in intensive care, where he stayed for nearly a month,” Courthouse News reports.
The pledge was allegedly branded, burned with cigarettes, beaten with paddles, forced to eat onions and butter until he puked, then made to shower in his own onion-butter vomit. And, of course, peed on.
Piss-related hazing is apparently not out of the ordinary. In 2012, a former Dartmouth fraternity member described making pledges swim in a kiddie pool filled with urine and vomit. In 2004, Mu Sigma Chi at Husson College was suspended over allegations they made pledges drink piss.
A Housefire: Peed On
An electrical fire broke out at the University of Houston’s Kappa Alpha house last November, and one brother tried to solve the problem in the first way that sprang to mind: pissin’ (duh). When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.
It didn’t work.
A Cop’s Head: Peed On
As cops were breaking up a party at the University of Albany’s “outlaw” Pi Kappa Phi chapter last February, 19-year-old Noah McCall “urinated off the rear staircase directly onto a uniformed police officer.”
A Native American Week Tepee: Peed On
Years before University of Oklahoma greeks were in the spotlight over a racist chant, they were pissing all over American Indian Heritage Week. In an infamous incident in 1994, a group of drunk Phi Kappa Psi members started banging on a symbolic tepee at 2 a.m., waking the students who’d been holding a vigil inside.
“The three men and two women who were camping in the tepee as part of an American Indian Heritage Week vigil told police the intruders ran around inside the tepee, shouting and slapping it,” the Oklahoman reported.
“One man urinated on the tepee, the Indian students told police.”
A Woman: Peed On
Christopher Kipouras, a member of Dartmouth’s Alpha Delta “Animal House,” turned himself in to police in 2013 after a woman (who was working with a film crew at the house) reported someone had urinated on her from the fraternity’s balcony.
It was he. He was the pee-er. Micturition mystery: solved.
A Neighbor’s Lawn: Peed On
The Sigma Chi fraternity at Dallas’s Southern Methodist University was suspended in March after being caught on camera harassing their next door neighbor. Specifically, members threw raw meat onto the man’s property, urinated on his fence and lawn, and “wrote obscenities” in the snow on his yard.
“They tell me to go fuck myself all the time,” he said.
Another man, who lives near several greek houses on the University of California-Berkeley’s fraternity row, says his house is “under siege” by pissing frat boys and has tons of security footage to prove it.
A Snitch’s Socks: Peed On
After a Dartmouth SAE member called campus security on two brothers in 2010 for snorting coke off of the chapter’s composite photos(!) and the bros and one of their girlfriends ended up arrested, members allegedly retaliated against the turncoat by destroying a cool table he had made for the house and pissing all over his socks. You can read the whole sordid tale, complete with arrest reports, on IvyGate.
One of the arrested bros, Andrew Lohse, later authored Confessions of an Ivy League Frat Boy, in which he detailed hazing practices including the kiddie pool full of pee-pee and vom-vom mentioned above.
And these are just the tales of piss-banditry that have made the news. If you have your own story of a notable piss being taken behind a fraternity’s closed doors, please consider leaking it (sorry) to email@example.com.
[Illustration by Jim Cooke]