From Curbs to Yachts: An Illustrated Guide to the Bieber-Bloom Sexagon

Orlando Bloom taking a swing at Justin Bieber at a tony Italian restaurant in Ibiza two nights ago was an event years in the making. The rumors that Bieber slept with Bloom's ex-wife Miranda Kerr have spun a web that has entangled not just those three, but also Bieber's on-again, off-again girlfriend Selena Gomez and a pair of Australian rich people.

The entire lusty group is linked by a series of discreet and perhaps even nonexistent events, though a number of public brawls seem to indicate that there is fire underneath the smoke billowing up from gossip rags across three continents. These are the players in this bizarre and hilarious fuck hexagon and the trysts that bind them together.

Actor Orlando Bloom, 37, married model Miranda Kerr, 31, in the summer of 2010. They had a son named Flynn Christopher Blanchard Copeland Bloom together and then promptly announced their divorce in October of last year. As far as celebrity marriages go this one would have been completely forgettable if not for one little rumored incident...

Singer Justin Bieber, 20, allegedly had sex withMiranda Kerr after a Victoria's Secret runway show in 2012. Though Kerr, through her attorney, has flatly denied the incident, the operating theory at gossip websites across the world is that Bloom has long been fuming over whatever relationship Bieber and Kerr might have had. When Bloom and Kerr revealed that they were separating, Bieber was immediately speculated as being the root cause of the break up. Bieber, of course, was having relationship troubles of his own at the time...

Singer/actress Selena Gomez, 22, dated Justin Bieber from about August 2011 to November 2012, but their relationship was never quite dead and buried and in June of this year gossip sites began reporting that the couple was back together. Still, the 18 or so months that Bieber and Gomez were separated was marked by Gomez sending sly little disses at Bieber in public, most notably when she told David Letterman that she made Bieber cry. But her most relevant shot at him was also the funniest...

Selena Gomez sat on a curb with Orlando Bloom in April of this year, leading to one of the greatest paparazzi photos in a long time. Actually, it's hard to tell who between Gomez and Bloom was using the other to needle Bieber more, but it's safe to assume they both were getting a kick out of it. A month earlier Gomez had posted a photo to Instagram of her hanging out with Bloom and Seth Rogen, another noted Bieber adversary. Regardless, Gomez and Bieber eventually reunited, right around the time that Kerr was having her own fun...

Miranda Kerr hung out on a yacht with media mogul James Packer, 46, in June of this year, coincidentally on the same exact weekend that Bieber and Gomez decided to go for round two. According to the Sydney Morning Herald, the two—who are reportedly "just friends"—cavorted off the coast of Cyprus in Packer's "luxury superyacht" named The Arctic P. The son of Australian television and publishing magnate Kerry Packer, young James inherited a fortune that is now worth somewhere around $6.5 billion, making him the third richest person in all of Australia. He is single now, but that wasn't the case just a few years ago...

James Packer, married model Erica Packer, 37, in 2007 after dating for four years. The couple had three kids—including one named Indigo (celebrities!)—before announcing their divorce in September of 2013, just a month before Bloom and Kerr went public with their split. James Packer eventually found himself on a yacht with Kerr, and it wasn't too long until their ex-significant others started getting cozy on that same yacht...

Erica Packer is in Ibiza with Orlando Bloom taking The Arctic P for a spin. Why not? Two nights ago, Bloom walked into Cipriani on the Spanish island when he was reportedly taunted by Justin Bieber. Bieber is reported to have said either "Tell Miranda what's up" or "Miranda was good."

And all of that, everyone, is how an actor that plays an elf ended up taking a swing at a pop star with a mustache that looks like it was sketched on by a charcoal pencil.