Boston is not a good city.
Fuck the Boston Red Sox. Fuck your dirty beards. Fuck your scrappy-band-of-sailors persona. Fuck your iconic little ballpark. Fuck the big green wall in your outfield. Fuck the people wearing Red Sox hats, particularly pink ones. Fuck your undeserved underdog attitude. Fuck your celebrity fans. Fuck your regular fans. Fuck your riotous celebrations.
Fuck all of New England. But in particular, Boston.
Fuck your reputation as a center of learning. Fuck your colleges and universities. Fuck your swarms of students. Fuck the hyper-intellectuals, the frat boys, and everyone in between. Fuck MIT. You could have gone to Caltech, where it's sunny. You fools. Fuck Harvard. Fuck your cozy book stores. Fuck Cambridge. Fuck the bridge you have to cross to get there. Fuck rowing in the Charles. Fuck that as a pastime. Get a better pastime, jerks.
Fuck Boston (the band).
Fuck your regional food specialties. Fuck your tendency to claim all of Irish immigrant culture as your own. Fuck movies set in your small regional city. Fuck your accent. Fuck the Puritans. Fuck Samuel Adams. Fuck Paul Revere. Fuck the entirety of your celebrated colonial history.
That was a long time ago. Get over it.
Fuck the Big Dig. Dig it, already. I'm so sick of hearing about your stupid hole. Fuck your talk radio stations. Fuck Tom Brady. Fuck your bleak and desolate winters. Fuck the poor bastards in all of the surrounding states who are forced to rely on you as the only real urban center in close proximity. I feel for them. Fuck your museums. Fuck your bus station. Fuck your aquarium. I can't believe you imprison fish in such an awful town. Fuck your floating "Duck Tour" vehicles. What's wrong with driving on the road? Why do you have to drive in the water? Why are you always making things complicated?
I have some dear, dear friends from Boston. Great people. I love them. I would not want them to read this and get the wrong idea. It's important to me that I take a moment to make this point to them: Fuck Boston.
It's too cold there. Who needs it?
Boston people get mad when you say these things. If I said this in Boston, I would probably get my head beat in. Fuck your violent tendencies. That's mean. I'm a person too. Fuck your denial of my humanity. Other people in Boston try to over-intellectualize it. "You're not even giving any real reasons," they whine. "You're just saying 'fuck' things. You don't even make sense." Jesus, the whining. Always the whining and arguing, from Boston people. Can we have one conversation that doesn't have to be all about you? Fuck your self-centered inability to admit that your enemies are correct. Try seeing it from the perspective of the rest of the world, for once. Put yourself in our shoes. Now think about Boston. Come on. Seriously. Come on. Really. Come on. Boston. Really now. Boston?
Come on. Boston?
[Photo: Getty. Image by Jim Cooke, a Red Sox fan]