Uh oh, summertime is here and you know what that means, ladies—time to obsess over your arms, for some reason! Wow! Arms! Appendages! What to do?
“How to Get Your Arms Ready for Summer” is the lie told in the headline of a New York Times story today, which is whatever the opposite of the word “servicey” is. Needless to say, this story is targeted at middle-aged women, and if I was a middle-aged woman, I would be particularly pissed at the inherent anti-feminism of the conceptualization and execution of this bullshit story. Since I am not a middle aged woman I will just be outraged on their behalf!
Suggestions from the Times—a place you should never, ever, turn to for fitness advice—include (what follows is a real list of suggested ways to “get your arms ready for summer” from a respected news outlet!):
- “EndyMed 3DEEP, a radio frequency device that delivers heat deep into the skin to boost collagen production and produce a tightening effect.” ($400 per treatment)
- “Neutrogena Oil-Free Acne Wash, which contains skin-sloughing salicylic acid, to smooth arm texture.”
- “Eucerin Professional Repair Extremely Dry Skin Lotion that contain urea” for “dark elbows.”
- “radio frequency techniques coupled with microneedling”
- Or, for “tightening” your arms, “injecting a thread of polydioxanone under the skin” ($3,000 per arm).
Just do some pullups and deadlifts which are free or alternately just say fuck it and enjoy the summer!!!