Goldman Sachs Is Treating Its Employees Like Pussies

I believe you're familiar with my friend—Goldman Fucking Sachs. Tell me something: does Goldman Fucking Sachs look like a bitch? No? Then why are Goldman Fucking Sachs employees being treated like bitches?

Perhaps I have my badass fucking banks mixed up here. Maybe this shit I read was actually about Well Fargo, or some other pansy factory. Because I never would have thought I'd live to see the day when Goldman Fucking Sachs—the bully on the block, the King of Wall Street, the great fucking vampire squid coming to suck all your capital—would decide to treat its youngest and strongest employees like a bunch of fucking invalids.

Says here in this Bloomberg story that Goldman Fucking Sachs, the most feared motherfucking investment bankers this side of Attila the Hun Investment Banking Ltd., is telling its hungry young junior bankers not to work weekends? Not to work 100-hour weeks? We're talking about the fresh-out-of-college kids here, making six figures and working all nighters and trying to prove that they can kill, and eat what they kill, and kill again, financially speaking. They fucking signed up to work 100-hour weeks, passing out bleary-eyed over spreadsheets and empty takeout food containers, waking up with drool on their keyboard, then getting back to work on those financial projections. The lifestyle of fucking kings, man. The lifestyle of kings.

But all of a sudden some fucking "task force" says that 100-hour weeks are somehow bad for morale? First the NFL outlaws leading with the head, and now junior fucking bankers at Goldman Fucking Sachs can't come to work Thursday morning and work straight through to Monday any more, because, wah wah wah, it's too hard, and they might run off and get a job at some bitch ass PE firm in fucking Connecticut, or even at that limp-wristed den of beanbag chairs, Google? Excuse us, you delicate little flowers, does being a small cog in a large machine that rules the fucking global economy not indulge your creative side enough? Do 25 year-old junior bankers at Goldman Fucking Sachs need to stay home and bake fucking cookies on Sundays? Are they going to fucking church? What world is this? What next, mandatory vagina installation surgeries on all CEOs? Is this the same Lloyd Fucking Blankfein who makes an absolute god damn fortune each and every year in exchange for being Co-CEO of Planet Earth, telling his own employees to get a hobby?

“You have to be interesting, you have to have interests away from the narrow thing of what you do,” Blankfein, 59, said in an address that was rebroadcast online. “You have to be somebody who somebody else wants to talk to.”

Goldman Fucking Sachs bankers are interesting. Because of their paychecks. The less they work, the less interesting they get. Jesus Christ, give these motherfuckers more time off and the next thing you know they're writing more godforsaken fucking listicles about what ties to wear and shit. This is all a huge mistake. Never let these people out of the office.

[Photo: AP]