This week: death, gratuitous Australia-bashing, alcohol, and television.

• John Travolta's son's death occasioned the usual macabre deceptions and speculations.
• Barack Obama sold his children to paparazzi and put our lives in the hands of some TV doctor (not even a good one like House!) and he has so many shady friends! No wonder America's Hero, former Australian Prime Minister John Howard, stole Obama's house.
• The result of the genetic experiment to create the least likable scripted reality television show tangential cast-member ever also enjoys drugs and blowjobs, so maybe we're not so different, after all.
• The millionth season of MTV's gay panic game show The Real World debuted! It is in Brooklyn this year, so we are moving to City Island.
• Steve Jobs called in "too sick and frankly already rich enough" for work.
• On this week's Gossip Girl Chuck couldn't know about New Year's. Governor Unable To Stop Saying Incredibly Stupid Things thinks that show is classist and she won't even dignify your softball question with a response that makes any goddamn sense.
• This week Toby Young and Ann Coulter infected our televisions with unpleasantness. Oh, and Michael Wolff but he's not so bad.
• Our predictions: Lots of people will win Oscars and be fired by Jann Wenner, this year.
• Hoda Kotb gets through that last hour of work the same way we do!