Guy Fieri's New Menu Is a Haunting, Beautiful Poem

Earlier this week Guy Fieri, the Demon Barber of Flavortown, flung open the doors to his newest foodatorium, Guy Fieri's Vegas Kitchen & Bar. There were no survivors.

Eater published the full menu (with prices) on Monday. The bill of fare is packed with eerie, evocative lines ("We have built this salad in a crown of prosciutto-wrapped smoked provolone") and sprinkled with a liberal dusting of exclamation points ("We have built this salad in a crown of prosciutto-wrapped smoked provolone!").

At times, the menu appears to be warning prospective customers about itself. "These wings are certainly not for the faint of heart & should probably be illegal," it cautions of "Fireball Whiskey Wings," which it continues to advertise despite the fact they should probably be illegal.

Fireball Whiskey Wings ($14)

These wings are certainly not for the faint of heart & should probably be illegal. Classic buffalo sauce + fireball whiskey meet to ignite a flavor explosion of epic proportions. Try Guy's blue-sabi sauce to put out the fire!

"The Off-Da-Hook Original Smash Burger," it panics, will "leave you in a food coma!"

The Off-Da-Hook Original Smash Burger ($16)

This burger is money! Crunchy righteous rojo rings, LTOP + the kicker- Guy's bourbon brown sugar BBQ sauce is sandwiched between a toasted brioche bun. It'll leave you in a food coma!

The restaurant's cheesecake offering, described as "a huge mountain of cheesecake," is identified BY NAME as a "challenge."

Guy's Cheesecake Challenge ($12)

A huge mountain of cheesecake topped with potato chips, pretzels + hot fudge.

One of the menu's five strains of wings is served with a marinara sauce that is described as "apocalyptic," with no elaboration.

Parmageddon Wings ($13)

Our breaded chicken parmesan wings + apocalyptic marinara. They might not end the world, but they'll end your hunger!

A sundae ("Fried Ice cream Boulder Sundae," $11) is not a sundae, but "a sundae brouhaha." A burger ("The Mayor of Flavortown Burger," $17) arrives violently smothered under a blanket made of meat ("meat blanket").

There is bread wrapped in meat for you to dip in a warm mixture of meat and cheese. They put tomatoes on it.

Guy-talian Fondue Dippers ($13)

Pepperoni-wrapped breadstick twists served alongside our smoky provolone + sausage cheese dip, topped with fresh tomato bruschetta.

For the complete catalogue of abominations, visit Eater.

[Image via Getty]