Ho-lee balls. Looks like some shit is about to hit the motherfucking fan in the ritzy Brentwood district of Los Angeles where some motherfuckers—who shall remain nameless but we all know who they are because their tremendous gate, a thousand feet (9 ft) tall, looms over our lives, blocking out the sun and giving our children rickets—have decided that the gate height regulations that have sustained peace in Brentwood area for millennia just don’t apply to them. Some people, with their rockstar husbands and their children named after common grocery store food items, have determined that the six feet of privacy offered by standard gates is unsuitable to their needs. FUCK IT, we’re talking about Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth Paltrow is running for mayor of Bitchville as the nominee on the Gate Is Too Damn High ticket.
Gwyneth Paltrow's gate is too damn high.
What will the L.A. City Department of Building and Safety inspectors find when they arrive on the scene? A navy blue shrine to privacy, extending up into heaven like the profane Tower of Babel. The gate-height equivalent of a crackhouse right in the middle of Gwyneth Paltrow's beautiful neighborhood. A regulation six-foot gate rendered monstrous by the addition of three feet.
Luckily, a day of reckoning is upon us – a day when all those who violate accepted norms of gate height decency will burn. Or possibly have to re-size their gates.
If the gate is found to be in violation, Paltrow and husband Chris Martin (and children Apple and Moses — this affects everyone) will have 45 days to fix it. Otherwise, they risk paying more than 90,000 pennies ($900) in fines.
[Image via Getty]