Green-Wood Cemetery, a National Historic Landmark, stretches across 478 acres of Brooklyn. But what if instead of using that land for a cemetery, somebody used that land for affordable housing? Huh, a good idea. The housing would be haunted, yes—but of use.
In addition to being a waste of useful space, burying dead bodies is bad for the environment in all sorts of ways, according to Business Insider: the toxic embalming process, etc., etc. This study says 800,000 gallons of formaldehyde are forced into the earth every year because of our dead bodies. 800,000 gallons! 800,000 gallons of formaldehyde smuggled within dead bodies left to rot in boxes, taking up usable space for—why? In case Christ comes again and needs to resurrect you? Man, I think Christ will be able to resurrect you no matter what if he comes again and that’s his prerogative.
It’s not a promise, but I do believe it.
So, what should we do with our bodies, then, once they are no longer in use, instead of bury them in the ground for no good reason? A good question, and a spooky one. My colleagues, some of whom I might even go as far as to call work friends, have some ideas:
Puree the bodies and bury them vertically in long, skinny tubes. This way you can fit hundreds of bodies in the land space currently given to one body. So we can still have graveyards but they’re very tiny. They don’t take up much land at all but they can still be used as tourist attractions for pilgrims coming to see the tiny graves of famous dead people.
I say bring back mummies.
Have you ever heard of a “sky burial”? It’s when they drag a body out into a field in Tibet and just let the vultures eat it. They say it’s good because you’re feeding the birds so they don’t have to eat other animals that might be alive.
I don’t care about other people but I am putting in my will that I demand to be stuffed and placed in my child’s living room.
I remember reading about how they use old subway cars to make artificial coral reefs. Maybe you could do that with human bones also.
Instead of burying Americans in graveyards we should drop their corpses on ISIS strategic positions. A Hellfire missile costs $75,000 apiece, a JDAM bomb is $25,000. A dead body is $0. It’s a win for the American taxpayer and a loss for the Islamic State, because getting a dead body dropped on you would be very spooky.
Alex Pareene: put them on sxsw panels
Alex Pareene: replace sxsw w/ corpses
There’s actually another way that’s similar called a Tower of Silence. I think they used to do it in India? But the vultures are endangered and the people don’t get eaten. I fell into an internet rabbit hole one night and read about this shit.
Just toss the bodies somewhere and forget about it.
My idea is to Weekend at Bernie’s those motherfuckers. Not an original idea, but mine all the same.
Take them to a taxidermist and turn them into a tasteful end table.
A friend of mine got a call from his downstairs neighbor one night complaining about him stomping around and playing the piano too loudly. He was on vacation at the time and nobody was in his apartment.
Finally, Allie Jones:
I’m scared. Spooky day.