Have You Had an Excruciating Conversation About Porn With Your Teen?

Naked men. Naked women. Naked dogs. All together, on the internet, fucking one another. As a parent, you know that your teen has probably watched thousands of hours of online M-F-Dog porn. But have you talked to them about it yet?

We don't need to fool ourselves. We're adults. We remember what it was like to be a teenager. Hours and hours spent staring at the "scrambled" cable stations, trying to make out a tit. Kids never change. The only difference is that now, teens have an entire universe of man-dog, woman-dog, gay couple-dog, lesbian couple-dog, and orgy-dog pornography free at their fingertips. It's likely your child spends upwards of four hours each night viewing hardcore videos of dogs ejaculating. That's okay. That's natural.

But it's important to give them guidance on these things, as a parent. Your teen may not say it, but they're hungry for adult guidance into how they should feel about all this dog fucking they're masturbating to. That's why it is absolutely critical that you sit down and talk to your teen about online pornography. Fortunately, the New York Times' Motherlode blog has a slew of useful tips today—from a board-certified psychologist—about how to make this conversation as excruciating as humanly possible.

Among the suggested things to say to your ready-to-pass-out-from-embarrassment teenager:

"We need to talk about Internet pornography; there are a few things I want to be sure you know."

"There's another reason I don't want you looking at pornography. People often find that they're turned on by stuff that they don't feel good about watching. I wouldn't want for you to be in the position of having your body react to something your head knows is wrong."

"In pornography, someone's always making money off someone else's degradation. When you watch pornography, you are participating in exploitation. We don't do that in our family."

"Needless to say, we also expect that you would never share or request content you wouldn't want grandma to see."

A simple, effective, and straightforward way to send your teen running from the house in dismay, never to return. Being a good parent is as simple as saying, "Listen here, son, we need to talk about something. Come over here. Closer. Now, guess what we're gonna talk about: pornography. That's right, pornography. The stuff that you watch in private, while you're masturbating. I'm going to talk to you about that, right now. Pornography? I don't recommend it. I recommend real live fucking. Real live fucking is the ticket. Online pornography is crap. First of all, because of all the dog fucking videos you end up watching. I know you do. Watching all that dog fucking feels great, when you masturbate, sure. But think of the dogs. They're being exploited. Exploiting dogs by raising the pageviews of online dog fucking pornography is not something we do in this family. By that I mean I'm going to tell grandma how many dog fucking videos you've been masturbating to. Consider this a lesson. I'm glad we had this chat."

Being a parent is the most important job in the world.