There once was a ripped, huge-dicked, extremely attentive, highly organized young man from Australia who was frightfully eager to find the woman of his dreams (within a 50 km radius of his home). To that end, he drafted a 99 page guide (to himself, his life, his future wife; his quirks, his tics, his eleven-inch dick; his orgasms, his bed, his "Fat Cock Head") and emailed it to potential girlfriends in advance of their first date.
He was the Mad Bachelor of Australia.
We'll call him Oz.
We received Oz's dating manifesto from an acquaintance of one of his failed potential-girlfriends, who bailed on their date after receiving a 99-page instructional booklet about what it would entail.
Here is the full 99-page NSFW guide, followed by highlights:
On page 39, Oz requests that, before the meet-up, you please send along a recent photo of your face (no sunglasses), and also a picture "inside your vagina."
On page 60, under the heading "My Semen Taste," Oz explains that his semen "tastes nice."
On page 19, Oz gives you a brief history of his home, which was built in the 1800s.
As you might expect from a document that is three times as long as your average computer manual, Oz's guide is unnervingly comprehensive. He apologizes in advance that he might already be sporting a "rock hard erection" at your first meeting, and explains that, a few minutes after ruining a chaste greeting hug with the intrusion of his throbbing penis, he will let you know whether or not he likes you.
Throughout the date, you should expect to engage in "Relaxed Dialogue," which Oz describes as "a mix of casual conversation, some humour ,and some romantic communication."
Occasionally, the document appears to diverge from reality, as when Oz claims that by the time he was 22, he’d earned a Ph.D. in Engineering, and a master’s in Computer Sciences, and a law degree. Mostly, though, it is just highly detailed, like the 7 point analysis of his own orgasm stamina (“Point 4 is the most critical point”) Oz sketches out on page 60.
On page 44, he describes the temperature of certain areas of his home—"very warm (heated; heat soaked)"—and lays out his expectations for pre-date hair removal (total, for both parties) and dress code (dresses, skirts. and "normal panties" recommended for women).
Under a section titled "Cock Size Disadvantages," he explains that, due to the immense size of his raging penis, "oral is not viable."
A meditation on "Your G Spot Orgasm" includes a partial inventory of relevant linens.
His list of no's includes "women who like or have received anal sex," women with "bleeding gums," and "prudes."
Above all else, lovers of Oz must be sure to follow "[Oz]'s Pleasure RULE," which states:
I really like to do things Spontaneously.
(We've contacted Oz to verify his status as Australia's most eligible and organized bachelor. We'll update if we hear back.)
[Art by Jim Cooke]
To contact the author of this post, email email@example.com.