The summer is here, and that means it's time for thousands of affluent east coast party animals to pack up and head to the rented beach house in Provincetown for the annual 4th of July PARTY WEEK. Are all you guys ready to "have a blast this summer with another epic July 4th trip to Ptown?" Great! Step one: read this 58-page PDF document!
This amazing cultural artifact of our modern world was sent around to a group of about a dozen self-proclaimed "DC Boys" who are renting two houses in Ptown and preparing to par-tay. We've removed the names of the participants, but these DC Boys include employees of tech companies, law firms, government agencies, and consulting firms— including multiple current and former employees of Booz Allen Hamilton, making them, technically, colleagues of Edward Snowden (fun fact). When you choose to vacation with a bunch of DC consultants, you get a 58-page PDF before you go. (Some pages have been redacted here.) STEP ONE FOR VACATION FUN: "Read this .pdf deck. Read the whole thing. It has key info that you need to know."
What sorts of things do you really "need to know," before you go to your beach house for a week with a bunch of dudes? Well, among other things:
- How to use Paypal, to pay for your trip.
- How to rent a bike.
- "Download the GroupMe App for your phone, as we will use it for the trip to communicate amongst the house group."
- What people in Ptown do during each part of the day. For example, "Morning is usually a time for breakfast / lunch / brunch, either at home or one of the restaurants."
- "Ptwon Terminology." For example, "Dick Dock: The dock underneath the pool patio at the Boatslip Resort Motel (where Tea Dance is held) is known as the Dick Dock
• This is the “place of last resort” for some really scary elements of society, and a lot of unsafe behavior, drugs, etc.
• The only creatures I’ve seen come back from here look like the monster from 'Goonies'"
- Fifteen photos of the rented houses, and satellite images of their locations.
- What to pack for each portion of the day. For example, "Morning Workout: If you’re working out in the morning, you’ll need suitable attire, remembering that it’s not just fitness, but you’re seeing everyone you know there in the process."
- "Personal Security & Safety Tips." ("Hide your cash.")
- House Rules, "a basic set of guiding principles for the trip." For example, "For a variety of reasons (personal preference, security clearances, legal concerns, etc.), openly possessing or using drugs in the house places everyone at risk. If you want to use them, use them discreetly or elsewhere... especially if they leave a 'smoky' smell that can get us in trouble with the house."
- Bios of each and every guy attending this funfest. (Redacted! Sorry.)
- And much, much, much fucking more.
I would personally rather be stuck on a boat for a week with the world's most pompous Republicans than go on a beach vacation that required a 58-page PDF guide. But different strokes, etc. The full guide (minus the identities) is below.