Williamsburg, which our nation's greatest newspaper has scientifically determined to be the only neighborhood in New York City that really matters, is responsible for the invention of the swimming pool, the cocktail party, and the man bun. What will the hip young creatives in this hot and happening area give to society next?
Behold: the "movie theater." Whereas Americans in drearier neighborhoods have always watched movies in the flickering candlelight of their own homes, or projected onto a the back wall of an hopelessly pedestrian "Applebees" restaurant, the chic forward-thinkers of Williamsburg have invented the concept of bringing many people together in a single room to view a movie— and eating snacks, at the same time! No, we're not talking about the conventional "multiplex" theater you know from your typical suburban lifestyle. We're talking about "Williamsburg’s Movie Houses: Where Popcorn Feels Passé."
Where Popcorn Feels Passé.
The New York Time has located a total of four (4) movie theaters (loosely defined) in the neighborhood of Williamsburg, which is one more than is required by law to produce a Fake Williamsburg Trend Story. The four movie theaters, which, taken together, are ostensibly impressive and unique enough to cry out for their own Style Section profile in the Paper of Record, consist of the following:
1. A single screen art house theater.
2. A video rental store that shows movies.
3. A theater that serves food.
4. A regular movie theater.
Where else on Planet Earth could one find such a vital and exuberant cultural melange? Weep, ye morose residents of unimportant, non-Williamsburg neighborhoods, for your movie theaters are of little consequence when compared to the breathtaking vivacity and artfulness of Williamsburg's movie theaters! Dream of a better version of your life, when you would not be forced to go to your meaningless local screening house, but rather to the breathtaking Williamsburg Cinemas, which boasts "The same popcorn and Twizzlers found in most multiplexes, though patrons have been known to smuggle in alcohol and other contraband."
You sly, hip bastards. Can no amount of pleading cinema signage hold your raging artistic souls in check?