The new Hollywood Momentum (think Cat Fancy for assistants, but with fewer cats and more aggrieved call-rollers) is hot off the e-presses. In this week's featured "Screamer" (a tale of woe from the assistant frontlines, an endlessly renewable resource), a former assistant signs his own pinkslip by failing in his appointed Koo Koo Roo rounds for an unnamed, veggie-fixated C-list actor:

He fetches his damn turkey dinner, and I return to my salad and my To Do list. Munch munch munch…suddenly, I hear:
Actor: Green beans.
Me: What?
Actor: Green beans.
Me: (??)
Actor: (getting agitated) Green beans, green beans green beans.
Me: (??)
Actor: I asked for GREEN BEANS with my turkey dinner.
Me: (He did? Oh shit.)

I looked him strait [sic] in the eye. Then down at my salad. Then back at him. I waved my fork towards my lunch:

Me: And I asked for no peppers in my salad. (Too bad, buddy. Life’s not fair. Sometimes you don’t get what you asked for.)
Actor: (glaring silence.)

Luckily for the hapless lunchboy, he was in the employ of a C-list actor, and SAG regulations clearly restrict punishment to mere dismissal from the job. Had he boned the lunch order of an A-lister, the actor would've been well within his contractual rights to behead the assistant with the plastic, serrated knife accompanying the meal, then sodomize the lifeless body with a spork.

• Screamers [Hollywood Momentum]

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