The British Sun's "Bizarre" column reports that Colin Farrell's penis is SO HUGE that it distracted test audiences for his film A Home At The End Of The World. So off-putting was the massive schlong that it was cut from a nude scene. Says their source, "All you could hear were gasps when Colin appeared in his full-frontal pose. The women were over-excited and the men looked really uncomfortable. It was such a sight it made it difficult to concentrate on the plot, so the decision was made to get rid of it."

We can almost hear the publicist snickering into the phone. No, no. It was like a fucking anaconda, and members in the audience with a fear of snakes either fainted dead away or suffered life-threatening aneurysms. You might want to print "huge" in all caps, just to convey how incredibly large Farrell's cock is. Maybe snake isn't a good word. Does "dragon" amply convey the scale, without making his genitalia seem horned and weird? Let's go with dragon.

• Colin's BIG scene gets the chopper [The Sun UK via The Modern Age]

Contact information for this author is not available.