In yet another installment of our continuing attempts to come to terms with the existential donkey-kick to the 'taint that is the unholy pairing of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, this headline was a brief rainbow in the endless publicist-inflicted gloom of the past two days. That is, until we read the (incredibly brief) story: "MISSION Impossible star Tom Cruise’s stunning new girlfriend says she is a virgin. Dawson's Creek star Katie Holmes, 26 has told pals she's saving herself for Mr Right."

Normally, the idea that Cruise might have the opportunity to deflower America's Onetime Sweetheart would send us stumbling into the street to thrust our head underneath the first convenient Hummer tire, begging its dead-eyed driver to finally deliver us four tons of sweet annihilation. But in a surprising moment of clarity, we realized that this notion is patently ridiculous: Pacey totally decommissioned Katie's virgin-battleship on the fourth season of Dawson's.

There, we feel better now, even as we acknowledge that this public therapy has us playing into the dirty, dirty hands of both stars' publicity machines.

• Missionary Impossible [The Sun UK]
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• Chronicle Of A Publicity Stunt Foretold? [Defamer]

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