· "Production assistant: Lindsay, we need you right away. Lindsay Lohan: Oh my God! Don't talk to me like I'm some kind of normal person!"
· Soon, celebrity offspring will overrun all of America and the non-famous will be forced to flee to Canada. Leave now and beat the rush.
· Jerry Lewis is out of the hospital and well enough to ride on his yacht. We know that this information will help you sleep more soundly tonight.
· Halle Berry made good on her vague promise to adopt, and we discover what it feels like to have one's brain implode from indifference.
· Your side business in bootlegging this summer's blockbusters might be in peril, so maybe it's time to dust off those grad school applications.

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