Rejoice, all ye Adelphia subscribers, hardcore porn will soon be a mere button-press away! The LAT goes deep inside the cable company's decision to deliver all the on-demand video sex your wrists can handle, even taking care to explain what all those confusing X's mean:

"People want it, so we are trying to provide it," Adelphia spokeswoman Erica Stull said. "The more Xs, the more popular." [...]

Single-X-rated movies feature nudity, long-range or panoramic and medium-range camera shots, simulated sex and sex between women. Double-X-rated movies show intercourse, oral sex and close-up shots. Triple-X-rated movies feature anal sex and visible ejaculation.

Adelphia and ass-slapping content-provider Playboy have a loftier goal in mind, hoping to push the limits of human achievement by increasing "the seven-minute viewing time historically clocked by the average person who orders an adult pay-per-view movie." SEVEN minutes? Egads, people! They're going to try to turn us all into desensitized, baloney-bopping zombies with severe carpal tunnel syndrome. How many will have to painfully chafe before these madmen abandon their plan to push us past the seven-minute barrier?

• Once-Conservative Adelphia Adds Hard-Core Porn to Cable [LAT, reg. req'd.]

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