· Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Mel Gibson's DUI Arrest But Were Too Afraid, Exhausted, or Otherwise Engaged Planning Wars, Getting Fucked Over A Patrol Vehicle, or Admiring Your Sugar Tits In The Mirror To Ask.
· Dina Lohan rallies to her daughter's defense by forgetting how old she is. Lindsay has one "DAY off" ruined by the paparazzi, and the folks at work can't help but notice.
· World Trade Center: Our nation's darkest day has a MySpace friend named President Chimp. Nic Cage wants to heal wounds, career missteps. The party-free premiere.
· Pompeo Burgergate! It's the dragging feet of the Lucky Devils waitstaff—not any perceived eating disorder—that forces "devastatingly thin" Ellen Pompeo not to eat, or so she claims. But our spy in the field stands by his B.F.P.O.N. story.
· Bruce Willis' big day: Die Hard 4 gets a greenlight and a mysterious shakedown attempt by his personal scrapbook attendant.
· British tabloid press cover something flaming on the Bond set that for once isn't the star.
· House of Sand and Fog director Vadim Perelman stumbles onto a set of sugar lumps during a bar brawl.
· Heath Ledger's new role requires him to stretch as never before, as it involves heavy smiling, laughter.
· "But mom, he promised me all the tit-slicing is in the past!"
· Good news, fellas! Star Jones may be single soon.
· Bad news, ladies! Brian Grazer is off the market.
· Great Moments in Former Beard History presents: Cruz Sees Suri.

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