Holy Shit, Beyoncé Is Pregnant: The Baby Conspiracé TheorésS

Holy shit. This Bey is pregnant.

On Monday, rumors of Beyoncé’s second pregnancy burst forth into the world, in much the same way a child will burst forth from Beyoncé approximately seven months from today because, holy shit, this lady is pregnant (allegedly).

The New York Post cited “multiple sources” confirming the singer’s mid-tour pregnancy after last week's Met Gala. Blogs noted her uncharacteristic protruding belly in a recent fan photo snapped of her onstage in London. On Tuesday, she canceled a Belgium concert due to “dehydration and exhaustion” and suddenly, everything clicked.

This. Bitch. Is. Pregnant.

However, while Beyoncé is obviously probably maybe definitely pregnant, not everyone is convinced she actually is. Us Weekly published an item from a Beyoncé source—most likely Beyoncé in a wig and glasses (My name? ...Beyoncé. She loves her name too much to change it)—dismissing the rumor as "silly."

Reports have placed her pregnancy at about the two-month mark, which means it would be a little early to reveal the big news even if she weren’t a famously secretive megastar with a proclivity to bold pregnancy-revealing stunts.

Here’s a breakdown of the popular conspiracy theories regarding the gestation of the destiny child. Figure out where you stand and then accept that Beyoncé is pregnant because she is.

Conspiracé Theoré: I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant

Theoré: Beyoncé accidentally became pregnant a month before her world tour kicked off in Belgrade on April 15 and is now just rolling with the punches. [N.B. If Beyoncé is pregnant, this is almost certainly the story she will present.]

Counter-theoré: Beyoncé doesn’t roll with punches. This is a woman who maintains temperature-controlled archives of footage of every show she’s ever performed, every interview she’s ever conducted, and “virtually every existing photograph of her, starting with the very first frames taken of Destiny's Child.” She’s one of those people who buys a We make plans and God laughs decorative throw pillow, not to remind herself that some things are beyond her control, but as a reminder that God is a plan-ruining enemy who must be defeated. There is no way Beyoncé would become—let alone remain—pregnant unless the decision had been meticulously planned out. Especially in the middle of a world tour.

Conspiracé Theoré: Beyoncé Is Not Pregnant

Theoré: Beyoncé is not pregnant. She is a grown woman, like she says in the Pepsi song, with beautiful natural curves that sometimes reveal themselves in the skintight purple glitter jumpsuits she dons for your amusement. She is too responsible to become pregnant in the middle of a world tour.

Counter-Theoré: Beyoncé does not paunch unless there is a human growing inside her. Here are some pictures taken of Beyoncé when she wasn’t working out every day as part of a grueling tour regimen. You could cook a crêpe on those abs but if you did Beyoncé would not eat it unless it's a Sunday which is her "cheat day."

Even if—and that's a big if—Beyoncé somehow managed to put on weight while tirelessly doing the "Single Ladies" dance across the European continent, she employs a team of people whose job it is to conceal that fact (if she wants to). She’s not buying her catsuits off the rack and hoping for the best. She watches video of her performance after every show. She knows how she looks in those clothes.

As for the tour timeline, assuming she has a normal pregnancy (Beyoncé is probably planning on having a stellar pregnancy, but we’ll downgrade her to normal for the sake of argument), the going reports would place her in the middle of her second trimester (5 months pregnant) by the time she performs her final Brooklyn date in August. She might not be crabwalking all over the stage in stilettos, but she would certainly still be able to dance a little and sing. She would be pregnant enough that people could admire her for continuing to work while pregnant, but not so pregnant that people could chide her for putting her child at risk. Beyoncé gets to be a hero for women and, in August, the entire neighborhood of Park Slope as a push present from Jay-Z.

Conspiracé Theoré: Beyoncé Is Pregnant at Us

Theoré: The Mrs. Carter Show world tour was constructed around Beyoncé’s pregnancy, to prove to Beyoncé Birthers that she can, in fact, carry and bear a human child. Professional photographers were banned from the shows so that no high quality unapproved pregnancy shots could circulate. Beyoncé will acknowledge her obvious pregnancy either at an awards show (MediaTakeOut predicts BET) or at the first of her three Brooklyn performances.

Supplemental Theoré: Beyoncé’s method of announcing her pregnancy will grow more ostentatious with each additional child.

Supplemental Theoré: In 2016, Beyoncé will run for and win the office of President of the United States of Americaa. At her inauguration, she will reveal once more, and for the final time, that she is pregnant. Having come full circle to redeem herself at the site of her shame, Beyoncé will graciously decline the presidency, sending America into a tailspin.

Destiny's Advocate: Beyoncé might not be pregnant. But she has said publicly that she intends to have more children. Also, she is probably pregnant.

[Image by Jim Cooke, photo from Getty.]

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