You probably don't have a job. But if you do, there's a good likelihood you'll be dragooned into attending an office Christmas party in the coming weeks, and there's a good chance that said party will be scheduled on a weeknight. Which means that—if you adopt the normal human reaction to being placed in a room full of co-workers with nothing to talk about and an open bar and get blotto—you will be hungover for work the next morning. Here's how to avoid that.
1. Get blotto. You should try to stick to beer but whatever works.
2. Go home. On your way, stop at a corner store. Are you driving? Don't drive. Ask the cab to stop. At the corner store, purchase four (4) 12-oz. cans of V-8 juice.
3. Drink them. Quickly. In succession. Don't stop.
4. Take three extra-strength Tylenol pills.
5. Go to sleep.
When you wake up, you will be tired, and maybe sore, and you will be able to feel your heartbeat in your head a little bit, but you won't be that hungover. I promise. Like, I should be hungover right now, but I'm not, because I drank 84 oz. of beer followed by 48 oz. of V-8 and 3,000 milligrams of acetaminophen 12 hours ago. It works. The acetaminophen will probably irrevocably damage your liver, but who are we kidding if you gave a shit about your liver you'd be leading a radically different lifestyle.
Why does it work? I'm by no means the first to take notice of the palliative properties of V-8 in reducing hangover acuity, and others have pointed simply to the benefits of hydration and all the vitamins found in the slurry of carrot shavings and beet rinds that make up the stuff. I personally think it's the salt. That's what V-8 is, mostly.
Whatever it is, I have found it to be the most reliable hangover preventative I've come across in 27-odd years of steady alcohol consumption, and I urge you to try it this holiday season. The key is to drink too much of the stuff—48 oz. at minimum.
You have a better course of treatment? Leave detailed instructions in the comments, please.
[Image by Jim Cooke]