Science Discovers New Horrible Scary Dolphin That Will Kill Us All

A team of researchers has announced the discovery of a rare species of South American river dolphin that O MY SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS WITH THE JAWS OF EVIL WHERE ARE EYES KILL IT WITH FIRE AUUUUUUGH.

The sextet of scholars from Brazil was somehow willing to go out into that country's Araguaia River basin in search of new specimens, even though their trek was a straight-to-Netflix Anaconda reboot waiting to happen.

What they found were dolphins with new genetic profiles, which is to say they are not the cute dolphins of our Key West spring break Windjammer dreams, but freshwater beasts that Terry Gilliam might have doodled while angry and on the can after eating a bad batch of mojo pork.

Science Discovers New Horrible Scary Dolphin That Will Kill Us All

I mean, yipe:

Science Discovers New Horrible Scary Dolphin That Will Kill Us All

Anyway, this is the first discovery of a new river dolphin species in 100 years, so bully to the survivors researchers. There are estimated to be about 1,000 of them in 1,600-plus miles of river, so stock up on your ammunition and canned food now, before they sprout the legs.

"River dolphins are among the rarest and most endangered of all vertebrates," one of them told Phys.org, "so discovering a new species is something that is very rare and exciting."

So is escaping the Araguaia River basin with your life. Vaya con dios, crazy mutant dolphin lovers.

[Photo credit: AP/Nicole Dutra, Federal University of Amazonas]