"Who's that girl?" America is demanding of Shailene Woodley, the 22-year-old lead of this spring's hottest post-Apocalyptic dystopian nightmare for tweens, Divergent. "What's her deal?" America is wondering, about the actress who garnered widespread critical praise for her role as as George Clooney's daughter in the film The Descendants.
"I'm calling the police," America is saying to its disoriented family, craning its neck to keep her in sight, due to the fact that in this scenario, Shailene Woodley is rooting around America's trash cans looking for weeds, edible lichens, and gently used bras.
Shailene Woodley is 420%, singing-with-all-the-voices-of-the-mountain, washing-her face-with-a-moonbeam bonkers.
Woodley is well-liked. She seems very nice. She is frequently described as "earnest." Virtually every profile of her devotes at least one paragraph to a meditation on her hugs (which can be summarized as: anybody, anywhere, anytime, everyhug). She earns Jennifer Lawrence levels of praise for her down-to-earth demeanor.
But Woodley takes it a step further, burrowing deep down into the earth until soil covers her completely, eating rocks and learning plants' secret names before making love to them.
Shailene Woodley is like if Matthew McConaughey came to life.
She loves the feel of the sun on her chocha.
"Another thing I like to do is give my vagina a little vitamin D. [Laughs] I was reading an article written by an herbalist I studied about yeast infections and other genital issues. She said there's nothing better than vitamin D. If you're feeling depleted, go in the sun for an hour and see how much energy you get. Or, if you live in a place that has heavy winters, when the sun finally comes out, spread your legs and get some sunshine. [Laughs] "
She eats clay because a taxi driver told her to.
"I first heard about the benefits of eating clay from a taxi driver."
She brought a horseradish root that looked like a big old dick to The Tonight Show.
She makes her own cheese and medicines.
"I make my own medicines; I don't get those from doctors. I make my own cheese and forage wild foods and identify wild plants."
"I gather my own spring water from mountains every month. I go to a farm to get my food. I make everything from my own toothpaste to my own body lotions and face oils."
She screams when she wakes up.
"The second I wake up, I scream very loudly [sings to the tune of 'Good Morning' from Singin' in the Rain], 'Good morning! Good morning!' And then I scream out, 'Exciting day! Exciting day!' I feel like it completely sets the mood for the whole day."
Once she almost accidentally sent Dakota Fanning bad vibes but then she didn't.
"My dad pulled me aside, and he said: 'Shai, what are you doing? You have so much anger, and you're feeling so let down by the fact that you didn't book [this]. I want you to close your eyes right now and picture this Dakota girl, and I want you to send her so much love and so much light because one day you're going to book something that you really want, and you're not going to want all of the girls around you that you competed against to feel anger against you. You're going to want them to support you on your journey. And so it's your turn right now to support Dakota on her journey.' And so I did that."
She has scoliosis and she loves it.
"So many people, including myself, get wrapped up in materialism, arguments and things that aren't working, that's when we need to take a step back and see how lucky we are to have trees that give us oxygen. That's so beautiful, and I think it's something people need to start recognizing more, the small things in life. I have scoliosis, and people are always saying they're sorry, but to me it's such a beautiful thing because I have it."
"If you're in the city, then you can't go back to hunter-and-gatherer times, so you have to adapt to the lifestyle that's out there. Herbalism is part of that, and knowing how to heal our bodies naturally and knowing about organic farming. It's so important and essential to the Earth, to Gaia."
"The world Aloha, if you break it down, means breath and spirit, so when Hawaiians say Aloha, they are not only saying hello or goodbye. They are saying, 'I am seeing your spirit, and I am giving you mine."And everyday [The Descendants] was Aloha."
She is very woodly.
"If I wasn't an actress, I'd probably do something with food. Finding seeds, planting seeds, watching them grow, harvesting the fruits, cooking the fruits, eating them, seeing how my body reacts, and even digesting."
Most people have never heard of chlorophyll. Shailene has.
"Most people have never heard of clay, or spring water, or chlorophyll, which shocks me because that's what I revolve my life around, but then it shocks them that I know nothing about a big designer, or director, or producer. "
Her religion is the Earth, man.
"My religion is the Earth, man."
This is a cool day to her:
She loves pictures of the sort one sees screen-printed on t-shirts worn at summer arts festivals:
If you asked Shailene Woodley for Tylenol she would say "I think I have some in my purse," and then give you a handful of bees.
She loves talking about normal human things, eating human foods, experiencing inhibited sensory activity for 7-8 hours a night during sleep time just like a regular human, etc.
She retweets a lot of stuff about her period.
Sometimes she says things and you're like, "Yeah, those words sound like science."
And then she keeps talking.
"I love and fear this wild womyn," America is saying, at this point, having read through Woodley's Twitter while waiting for the police to arrive. "Is she seeing anyone?"
A recent cover story for The Hollywood Reporter speculated she might be engaged in a polyamorous relationship with two friends (one male, one female), whom she "decline[d] to identify." Woodley denied romantic involvement ("No, those are my best friends"), but added that she loves freely, regardless of sex ("I fall in love with human beings based on who they are, not based on what they do or what sex they are.")
The profile also revealed that Woodley carries around a glass Mason jar for drinking (so she can avoid the chemicals in plastics).
[Images via Getty/Shutterstock]