Kate Gosselin is the caretaker of eight children of her body's own wondrous making, but more than that, she is the adversary of eight children. This much was clear when she and her two oldest daughters, Mady and Cara, sparred on live television earlier this year, and when she ominously offered "one last redemption" to Mady in the preview to the two-part special Kate Plus 8: The Septuplets Turn 10. That special is the first Gosselin footage to run on TLC in almost three years, since Kate Plus 8 was canceled. It aired last night, and oh my god, this woman hates her children.

I mean, she loves them (she said as much repeatedly), but love is complicated in that it often feels like, looks like, hurts like, makes faces at you like, and gives you a deep sense of loss like hate. That much was clear when Gosselin declared during a game of Gagaball (whatever that is) that she has a problem with parents who let their kids win because "nobody is gonna let me win." That right there is what you call a mother's tit for tat. She proceeded to cream her much smaller children, even when one (Mady, duh) claimed injury and whined.


"Here, Mady, I'll spare ya," said Kate, knocking out her daughter and undoubtedly feeling the cool sense of accomplishment of brief victory in an otherwise endless series of defeats against a teenager.

Kate Gosselin has taken her share of heat for her behavior, and maybe I couldn't see past her dumb haircut, but I figured she deserved it. Not anymore. I love this woman. I found her irritability endearing and I found it honest. Watching her talk shit on her kids felt like my old pastime of eavesdropping on a bunch of moms (mine included) sitting around a table complaining about their children (but not me). What I'm saying is that this reunion special felt like home and it felt correct. Kids are fucking irritating and this single mother has eight of them. Six of them came all at the same time and now they are 10! She had a litter and they're still clinging to her back fur, hitching free rides. It's a wonder she hasn't gone on a murderous rampage already.


During the hourlong special, Kate communicated with and about her children without bothering to veil her contempt for them. It was deliciously taboo. First thing's first: Kate Gosselin's the realest.

There she is saying that her daughter Leah's voice shoots at her like a machine gun.

There she is calling her child "rabid beasts," and that, "I think that every parent, if they were being honest, would call their child a rabid beast once in a while." Should, Kate. Every parent should call their child a rabid beast once in a while.

There she is telling her son Colin that he will never get a girlfriend or wife if he tells someone her hair looks ugly. Promise. You got that, 10-year-old? Your life will be spent alone. You are damned.

There she is discussing her broken foot, which her children in rounds correct as "toe." She becomes so flustered that she ends the conversation with, "I don't really care! It was broken and you still forced me to hobble about and feed you!" Why didn't you let me let you starve? Whyyyyy?

Part 2 of this fine family fun airs next week—if everyone's still around then ;).