There is NOTHING more American than a Lean Cuisine-brand frozen dinner, which combines our national passions for junk food, fad diets, and sadness all in one easily microwaveable package. And now you ingrates are abandoning this proud legacy in droves.
Generations of Americans have happy, dewy-eyed memories of being fed a Lean Cuisine frozen Beef Chow Fun dinner by their loving mothers, and later going on to develop eating disorders and hypertension. It's in our very souls. It seems, though, that good old Mom and Apple Pie and Lean Cuisine Deep Dish Three Meat Pizza just ain't what it used to be. Bloomberg reports that Lean Cuisine sales are plummeting— down by a full quarter in the past five years, including an 11% drop last year alone. The problem? Lean Cuisine meals are now perceived as "unhealthy and too expensive." The nerve!
"It's a health and wellness issue, not just an economic one," said Alexia Howard, an analyst at Sanford C. Bernstein. "The category is not coming back no matter how heavily they promote it."
Even the Lean Cuisine Monterey Jack Jalapeno Stuffed Pretzels?? You're too good for the stuffed pretzels now, America?? Who are you—some fancy chef, like Guy Fieri??
Gratitude is dead in this nation.