The American Horror Story: Coven Finale Was BullshitS

Spoilers here. Get your spoilers here.

Cordelia? The Supreme is seriously fucking Cordelia? That's how they're ending this thing? By giving the highest honor to a witch so incompetent that she let a witch hunter into the coven by marrying him, poked out her own fucking eyes because she thought that she needed to be blind to access her clairvoyance, and couldn't conceive (and I quote, from this very episode, "The hallmark of any rising Supreme is glowing, radiant health")? That's who won this season?

"But Rich, she was held back by her domineering mother. With Fiona out of the way, her innate Supremacy was able to flourish," American Horror Story: Coven apologists will say. Bullshit. A leader transcends. Cordelia cowered whenever Fiona was within a 50 foot radius. Cordelia is nothing but a beta, a run-0f-the-mill clairvoyant ripped straight out of a Lucio Fulci movie. (If you click on that link, beware of the cartoonishly graphic violence at the end of the clip. I only wish the same throat-ripping fate would have befallen Cordelia.)

I knew the show would throw us for a loop and that the Supreme would turn out to be someone we didn't expect. Actually, what I thought, and what I still think would have made for a better ending, was that none of them would be the Supreme. During the Seven Wonders intro of last week's penultimate episode, a title card read, "Guided by ancient tradition witches survive only if united under a strong, singular authority." I figured that the show was hinting that none of them would survive. That would make sense, given the overall lack of unity that plagued the coven this season: the in-fighting, the horrible management, and yes, the shame implicit in the secrecy of their witch society. Even the remaining girls couldn't get through the Seven Wonders test without bitch-slapping each other (or rather, making each other bitch-slap themselves during the mind-control test).

If none of them emerged Supreme, they all would have ceased to exist. This season of American Horror Story, then, would have traced a coven's final days. It wouldn't have been a happy ending, but it would have been a complete story. It's over anyway—might as well have some closure, even if it's unhappy.

Instead, we were given a Hollywood ending in the form of a coming-out story: By going public, Cordelia saved the coven, enlisting dozens of new recruits from all over the country. See how much easier it gets when you're honest and open about yourself? It gets better! Everyone put on your private-school blazers and join hands for an acapella rendition of "Firework."

The one-last-confrontation between Cordelia and Fiona was wack. Fiona came back to fade away, oh cool. (Though I did enjoy the Judy vs. Liza aspect of it, perhaps hinted at in the chyron in Cordelia's coming-out cable news interview that read "Up next: Liza Minnelli talks about her hip." Talking about broken body parts really is something Liza Minnelli does freely.)

And then, in the final moments of the show, we found out that Cordelia is...

...the Supreme. Which we knew. Because the show had told us 20 minutes before. This was an anticlimax. Cordelia's supremacy was a surprise for the sake of surprises. It made no sense and never will.

This is bullshit.

Balenciaga!