Flake Flakes: Michele Bachmann Won't Run for Re-election

Michele Bachmann is packing up her trolling operation and marching it out of the House of Representatives: After eight years of faithful service (and now facing an FBI probe) the congresswoman/presidential candidate/Christian/beard has said she won't run for re-election next year.

In an interminable video posted to her websiteeight fucking minutes, of just her talking, the vibe somewhere between airplane safety video and personal-injury lawyer ad—Bachmann announced her decision to step down from office, the first move in the highly lucrative politician-to-pundit pivot:

The FBI recently joined an investigation into Bachmann's campaign finances, though Bachmann insists that the inquiry has nothing to do with her decision. Mother Jones has a good list of her greatest hits, if you want to revisit her career:

2004: Songwriter Melissa Etheridge has breast cancer. That's bad news. But there's good news too, Bachmann tells the conservative education group EdWatch: maybe the cancer will give her time to reflect on her sinful lifestyle: "Unfortunately she is now suffering from breast cancer, so keep her in your prayers. This may be an opportunity for her now to be open to some spiritual things, now that she is suffering with that physical disease. She is a lesbian." In the same speech, she alleges that "almost all, if not all, individuals who have gone into the lifestyle have been abused at one time in their life, either by a male or by a female."