On the heels of Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson's awkward ruminations on Jesus and buttsex and vaginas, the reality TV stars have finally paired up with a popular gun manufacturer to make some boomsticks—and some haunting ads about life, liberty, and shooting God's feathery creatures with said boomsticks.
Mossberg, a Connecticut-based gunmaker that's respected in hunting and home-defense circles for its shotguns, announced a partnership with the Robertson boys on its website, under a tab labeled "It's Duck Season."
The "Duck Commander Series" of 12 weapons is largely what you'd expect: shotguns buried in so much matte hunter camouflage paint, they look like Jackson Pollock vomited on them after a week of experimenting with veganism. The weapons are also stamped with the mantra: "Faith. Family. Ducks." They also all come with "An American Flag bandana, like the one worn by Willie" on the family's A&E show.
The best part is Mossberg's set of rollout commercials, in which Phil and the brood ritualistically prepare for their exodus into the field and the subsequent duck kills, with pacing and music that conjures images of Kurtz in Apocalypse Now. In one, the old man fuses his mystical first hunting experience with a Bible believer's intelligent design argument: "Where there's design, there is a Designer. We were designed to kill ducks."
In another, shown above, the old man reflects on American freedom and its sanctioning of a free man's right to pursue happiness. "Do you know what makes me happy, ladies and gentlemen?" he asks. "To blow a mallard drake's head smooth off."
Slow your roll, Robertson. I ain't never seen no man hunt ducks with a small-caliber AR-15 reproduction like this:
Or a "pistol" version of the AR-15 like this:
As CNN puts it: "The pistol and one of the rifles have military-style designs with large capacity magazines holding at least 25 rounds. The rifle has some of the features of an assault rifle, but with a relatively low .22 caliber." See? It's got small rounds that are no good for duck hunting or mass-killing, we swear. How many useless guns can we put you down for?
Perhaps focusing on these assault-style military-patterned weapons is unfair to the Duck Dynasty boys. After all, you can kill a lot of innocent human beings with a shotgun, too.
[Photo credits: Mossberg.com]