Hero Pig Terrorizes Community

There's a pig going around and scaring residents of Oakland, Maine. Some say he is a threatening pig. Others say he is a mystery pig. I say he is some pig!

He first showed his snout last week to two children that he scared so badly, they ran and told the police like the big babies that they are:

A mystery pig remains at large in Oakland after frightening two children so badly that they flagged down a police officer Tuesday afternoon to report it to authorities.

Capt. Rick Stubbert, of the Oakland Police Department, said he doesn't know where the pig came from or why it might have been acting aggressively.

The children told an officer that they were on a walking trail in the wooded area between Messalonskee Middle School and Messalonskee High School about 1:45 p.m. when the pig confronted them, "screaming at the kids and chasing them," Stubbert said.

Good pig! Those little bacon-eaters undoubtedly had it coming, and the only way you can get through to kids these days anyway is by screaming at them. This pig is sharp. This pig has something to say. This pig has ambitions way beyond walking on his hind legs and taking over the old Manor Farm. What a good pig.

This week, good old pig boy was up to his old tricks, this time scaring a grown woman who also went and tattled to the police:

The woman Monday was worried that the 80-pound black-and-white pig might attack her and took refuge on the side rail of a wooden bridge on the forested walking trail between Messalonskee Middle School and Messalonskee High School.

"She was not attacked but was very frightened and came to the station to report it," Capt. Rick Stubbert, of the Oakland Police Department, said shortly after closing the trail Monday afternoon.

Police searched the trail for the pig but once again found only tracks.

"The pig is out there," he said.

But you know what isn't out there? The truth. In the just-linked update, the "two children" the pig initially scared are now being described as "a high school student." No one is sure of anything in this story, except for the pig, who knows how to scare people into alerting authorities. A good pig is an effective pig!

The sightings have caused the closing of the path where the pig was spotted. There is a search underway so as to reunite the pig with his owner. It is estimated that the pig has been at large for a month.

The hero pig update above ends on an ominous note for nearby residents, who have no idea where or when the pig will next scream at them:

"According to the USDA, they do very well in the woods eating nuts and things, as long as they have a water source," he said. He said pigs typically establish a range of between six and eight miles.

Dissolve to foreboding, bass-filled synth sounds and hoofs on a forest floor.

A rogue pig. What an exciting thing to dread sunset for. In addition to being some pig, this pig is terrific and radiant, but probably not humble, because in 2014, that doesn't behoove anyone.