As the Summer of Butts fades into golden autumn, a Bronx-born single mother has released her own "viral" butt YouTube in the hopes of capitalizing on a trend sweeping the nation like a butt abruptly dropped very low and skimmed lightly over a dance floor (or regular floor).
Also J. Lo made Iggy Azalea wear a dirty swimsuit.
On Friday, Jennifer Lopez released the video for her new single "Booty." The track features a guest verse by famously curvaceous rapper Iggy Azalea, who also co-stars in the video, which doesn't bother J. Lo at all. In the opening montage, the two women dance together like sisters, one of whom died tragically at a young age, and now they're reunited in heaven. J. Lo sits her butt on top of Iggy's butt, like it's a chair.
Because Iggy Azalea is hip and cool, she has the sense to look bored for the duration of the video, the bulk of which is made up of this and similar scenes. So bored she seems on the verge of slipping lithely from consciousness, in fact. One gets the sense that she is a participant in the project mostly out of politeness—a favor to her mom's friend, Ms. Lopez.
However, as the duo slickly writhe back and forth overtop one another's bodies like two snakes vying for the title of Coolest Snake, tragedy strikes Azalea.
The edges of her pristine white bathing suit—
—become discolored, stained, and filthy with bronzer.
As bronze as a quincunx in the pale hand of a Roman maiden,
as bronze as a decorative bowl displayed in a glass case at the Metropolitan Museum of Art,
as bronze as the medals that preclude Team USA (women's gymnastics) from going to Friendly's for ice cream because Friendly's ice cream is for winners,
so were the edges—specifically top and sides—of Iggy Azalea's swimsuit.
Whose bronzer it was is not for us to know. What we can say for certain is that, despite or in defiance of their different natural skin tones, both women appear to be approximately the same color in their scenes, and that color is one that, if one desired to render them in crayon portrait, would have to be procured from Crayola's Mermaid Shimmer set, rather than a standard 64-count box.
But this is only the second most disturbing thing that happens in the "Booty" video which, true to name, is a bummer from start to finish.
Let's go back to the beginning.
Like most erotic exploits, "Booty" opens with a series of urgent disclaimers intended to steel the audience for the sequence of sexy images that will follow, or perhaps to dissuade them from watching altogether. "Warning!" says J. Lo, over a faint din of beeps and other computer sounds. "Standby for countdown. Prepare audience for maximum impact. Full immersion begins in 10...9..."
So far 25 seconds have passed, with not a single booty in sight. For 10 of them, the only thing on the screen was numbers. At this point, the audience could be forgiven for wondering if the "EPCOT Center presents Mission: SPACE"-esque disclaimer up top was, perhaps, a little exaggerated.
Then suddenly, the screen is aglow with butts. One butt, two butts; old butts, new butts.
Interspersed with Iggy Azalea's ruining of what is no doubt a very expensive piece of swimwear is a rapid fire series of clips of J. Lo smacking her buttocks and slapping her buttocks, and shaking them, and quaking them. Everything is round and wet, like a billiard ball covered in baby oil, or an orange in the sink. At times, sporting a lush ponytail of honey-colored extensions, Lopez is a dead ringer for an adult version of singer Ariana Grande. At other points, she seems to have no more hair on her head than a baby.
If the video has a message it is this: That J. Lo is very toned and has the means and the drive to amass a vast collection of leotards and swimsuits should not be questioned, by anyone.
The most unnerving segment of the video is the fantasy sequence we will call lip BLAM, which imagines a world in which it is possible to twist open an EOS lip balm with hands covered in oil. We open on a jarring close-up of J. Lo's fingers, the nails of which have been filed into trendy tan talons.
She applies it.
For the remainder of the video, J. Lo takes a shower while wearing a dress and stilettos. She dances in a hallway while holding a cigarette, because holding a cigarette is something she once saw someone do. She flips over her kids' report cards and, in the space reserved for the signature of a parent or guardian, writes "~*~THE BADDEST BITCH~*~," adding in parentheses on the following line "(Jennifer Lopez)."
"Shake that!" says J. Lo to the camera.
Iggy Azalea has long since removed herself.