It has finally happened, Snooki's body is rebelling against her. Yes, the greatest sociological experiment of our time took a turn for the biological and now Snooki is voiding her bowels wherever she possibly can.

But before we can get to Snooki's UTI and the havok it created in our little glass cage full of guidos, we must look at their language so we know what the hell they're talking about.

• Shore Shower: Spraying one's body and private areas with perfume to cover up a certain odor, usually that of leaky bodily fluids. It is essentially a "whore's bath" in all the important ways.
• Electrocuted: When the "electronics" in the wall react poorly to seven hair dryers, nine curling irons, and one electric body hair trimmer are plugged into two sockets in the same bathroom. According to the guidos this is similar to being tazed, because that is the only other instance they know which electricity is used: hair and arrest.
• Star 69: To go back and find out who started a rumor or who made a certain comment previously. This is very important because in the guido subculture, gossip runs rampant. Also, they don't use mobile phones, so they're still using the argot of 1995, when land lines were still necessary.

Now we must address Snooki and her wee-wee problems. It started at the club when she danced so hard that she actually wet herself. This is not the first time that a guido has been known to lose control of his bodily functions on the dance floor from beating up the beat, so it wasn't so crazy. However, the next day, when she continued to pee frequently and it stung, she self-diagnosed herself with a UTI because, apparently, she used to be a veterinarian's assistant and she knows these things. Yes, the guidos so closely equate themselves with animals that they no longer go to regular physicians and instead clutter up the waiting rooms of veterinarians.

Snooki's medication, of course, is tequila. The rationale is that, just as you put alcohol on the skin before a shot to disinfect it, that will happen inside the body by drinking excessive amounts of tequila. Also it numbs the pain from the infection, so it not only removes the cause, but the symptoms. Of course this would be wrong for any human but I do believe that, due to the guido's mutated physiognomy, that tequila can cure a UTI. You never see Snooki go to the doctor, she just medicates and medicates and medicates until her bladder is so full that she lets it out on the porch.

Some of you might think this is disgusting, but, as we have seen repeatedly, the bathroom is the most sacred room in the guido household and to put something that is impure and full of nasty bacteria into the toilet would be to anger the household god, The Duck Phone. That is why Snooki pees on the porch.