Tom Felton has a record deal and a song about Hawaii. Jessica Simpson makes out with a purse. Mila Kunis compares sex to communism. The Black Eyed Peas take an "indefinite break." Tuesday gossip starts from scratch.

• Tom Felton, the overgrown child actor formerly known as Draco Malfoy, on his budding music career: "I was thinking of doing some N-Dubz-style stuff. I am looking to get into the grime rap UK scene. I'm going to change my image—backward caps, the lot."
  
  
  

  He seems to be joking, but I think we should encourage Grime M.C. Malfoy's rap career nonetheless. Can you imagine the Chet Haze rap battle possibilities? Here is a sample from Felton's preexisting musical oeuvre, a sparkly piano ditty about the palm trees in Hawaii. Felton reportedly has a record deal with an "independent label." [Sun, image via Getty]

• The Black Eyed Peas are taking an "indefinite break." Quoth dancing divabot Will.i.Am, "The @Bep will take a break after the beginning...just like we did from monkey business to the e.n.d...but it doesn't mean we stop creating." I have no idea what that means, but imagine that Fergie's bladder is relieved. [HuffPost, @iamwill]
• Charlie Sheen ex Brooke Mueller was photographed holding a tinfoil crack pipe. Unless it was leftover spaghetti noodles with a kink in them, inside a tinfoil package to preserve freshness? She's making it hard for Charlie's Comedy Central Roast to lay off of her. [TMZ]
• Lil' Wayne's back-up dancers allegedly beat up a waitress at a P.F. Chang's in a mall in Connecticut and are facing assault charges. The fight was about splitting the check. Apparently you're supposed to alert the waitress at the beginning of the meal. [Courant]
• Famed starfucker Jasmine Waltz—"best known as David Arquette's rebound chick"—has a sex tape, and is shocked, just shocked. It involves Valentine's Day, leather gloves, and conversation heart candies, apparently. [TMZ]
• Here is a picture of Helen Mirren naked and wrapped in a Union Jack, if you're into that kind of thing. Which, c'mon, you totally are. [Celebitchy]
• Samantha Ronson trapped her family in an Mondrian SoHo elevator when she accidentally leaned on the emergency button. They're like a hipster Modern Family. Mark Ronson is Manny. [P6]
• Bam Margera memorialized deceased Jackass star and deadly drunk driver Ryan Dunn with a tattoo on his wrist. [P6]
• Jessica Simpson can't stop making out with the Birkin bag her fiance gave her for her birthday. [@JessicaSimpson]
• Mila Kunis on having "friends with benefits": "It's like communism—good in theory, in execution it fails." [GQ]
• Dianna Agron likes to get mani-pedis with her boyfriend. Sebastian Stan gets no-polish trim-and-buffs. [P6]
• Sarah Jessica Parker on her work ethic: "I'm a bitter-ender. It's potentially my fatal flaw that I do not give up on something. I will not rest. I work and work and work until I can no longer and someone has to remove me from the premises." Kind of describes the Sex and the City franchise, too. [Vogue, Celebitchy]
• Jewel and Ty Murray had their son, and named him Kase Townes Murray. [People]