OK! We'd all like this to be a happy story about how famous people aren't all dicks and dreams come true, but this is also kind of a shitty story about how crappy a bride publicly treated her fiancé.
See, Branka Delicis is a very huge Jon Bon Jovi fan, so huge that apparently the 34-year-old Australian woman thought she was always going to marry the hair-metal titan. But because that is crazy talk, Branka didn't marry Jon, he's already married to Dorothea, and instead ended up settling for a man called Gonzo who resembles Chris Noth's German cousin. He's the one on the right up there, in the red shirt, who looks like a hired hand at his own wedding. Speaks volumes.
Anyway, for "many lame reasons that we don’t want to bore you with," the bride had no one to walk her down the aisle, so she registered Bonjoviwalkmedowntheaisle.com, posted a note imploring the gracious frontman to give her away, and created a Facebook page in service of this plea.
OK, dumb social-media stunt, whatever helps people pass time before death. But the real problems show up in the written proposal:
All her life, Branka thought she would marry Bon Jovi himself. Sadly, at the age of 34 she realised this would never happen, and she accepted Gonzo’s proposal instead.
Normally, when people over 18 say they're going to marry a celebrity, they're kidding (sort of), and it's still kind of creepy. But Branka sounds genuinely deluded—and genuinely not that into Gonzo.
Speaking of which, her missive continues:
For those who don’t know them…here is the back story. This is Branka: she has two loves in her life…Gonzo and Bon Jovi…but not necessarily in that order.
For so many lame reasons that we don’t want to bore you with, Branka’s immediate family have never accepted the relationship. Despite this, their relationship has stood the test of time and lasted through the good times and bad – just like Tommy and Gina.
She might not be marrying Bon Jovi, but the next best option is for her to walk down the same aisle he did 20 good strong years ago so the stage has been set….The Graceland Chapel, Las Vegas Nevada.
The next best option isn't even Gonzo's eternal devotion, it's stepping on the same brown carpet Jon's shoes touched when he got married in 2001. Cool, maybe her butt will touch the same toilet seat the guy whose first recorded song was "R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas" used too.
In Branka’s mind, the wedding gods have come together because JBJ is performing at MGM Grand that same night. The only problem is there’s a real chance Branka will skip out on the wedding and go to the concert instead.
Let's pretend Branka is a guy named Jimmy and see how this sentence flies: In Jimmy’s mind, the wedding gods have come together because the New England Patriots are playing a game that same night. The only problem is there’s a real chance Jimmy will skip out on the wedding and go to the football game instead. Straight dick!
But wait, there's more:
Gonz has waited 14 years for this day, and if Branka skips it, he’ll have to wait another 14.
Bon Jovi…we’re begging you….make this wedding happen. There is plenty of time in the afternoon for you to come and walk her down the aisle before the show. We’re living on a prayer and we want you to come lay your hands on me and walk me down the aisle!
Jon Bon Jovi came through, which was a very nice gesture. Probably his incentive was to support the groom, but sadly Mr. Bongiovi's social-media person can't even remember his name:
Congratulations to the lovely nuptials. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life, Gonzalo. It only gets worse.
To contact the author of this post, email email@example.com.