Earlier this month, the world was stunned to learn that The Boy in the Chanel Ski Mask, Justin Bieber, had abandoned his baby capuchin monkey, Mally, in Germany because all prior evidence had indicated that Justin Bieber would make a levelheaded and responsible mother.
At the time, German customs officials announced they would give the popstar four weeks—an eternity in the world of Justin Bieber, whose attention span lasts but an instant—to return to Munich with the paperwork necessary to have his monkey released from quarantine. Three weeks later, Bieber’s management team has reportedly reached out to the animal shelter where Mally is being kept and asked that they, I dunno, take care of that monkey Justin Bieber left behind or whatever.
A spokesman for the Munich Animal Protection League shelter told the AP that the League had received two emails from a member of Bieber’s management company. The first asked how long Bieber had to provide the paperwork before Mally would be euthanized. The shelter responded that German animals shelters do not practice euthanasia. The second email asked if the shelter knew of any zoos looking to get their hands on a capuchin monkey:
"Our team is looking into the idea of placing Mally at a zoo in Germany. Would you happen to have any recommendations for places that Mally would be safe and thrive?”
You see, Justin Bieber doesn’t want Mally to die. He just wants him to be alive somewhere else.
A spokesman for German customs told the AP that the monkey would remain in the shelter until Justin Bieber or Justin Bieber's power of attorney (“No one has the power of attorney except me!” Justin yells, splashing a Dixie cup full of water onto his dressing room mirror. “I’m the man! I’m the power!”) contacts customs directly. If he wants to send it to a zoo, the AP reports the singer will “likely have to pay costs associated with keeping the monkey so far and a fine.”
His deadline to file the standard paperwork has apparently been extended to May 17th, judging by the customs official’s innocuous, yet somehow still terrifying, statement.
"If by May 17 there is nothing, then he loses ownership of the animal and it becomes the property of the Federal Republic of Germany.”
Not that it matters, because Justin Bieber does not want that baby monkey that he had for a week before leaving it in Germany a month ago.