Justin Bieber's Monkey Adjusts to New Life in Germany

Justin Bieber's monkey, OG Mally, whose rejection by the pop singer and virtual exile to the depraved nation of Germany has captivated fans of both popular music and lesser primates, has begun to settle into his new adopted nation, perhaps finally ending a saga that has brought the watching world to a virtual stand-still.

Mally has moved into a zoo called Serengeti Park (Justin would have called it the 'Geti), and will be living with six other Capuchin monkeys for the rest of his natural life (he will probably die young due to the excesses of his early life). CNN reports that Mally has even been given a sneak-peak of the new Capuchin habitat at the zoo, which zookeepers have dubbed "Mally-bu" (boooo).

Some details of Mally's captivity (while waiting in vain for his master's return) have begun to leak out, and they are sad. Apparently, Mally clung to a stuffed toy that was given to him by Bieber during the sunnier days of their relationship. Also, note the picture above, where Mally sits in the zoo, looking away from Justin, finding his likeness unbearable.

Fans of Bieber have also shunned the orphan Mally, as the zoo has yet to receive throngs of crazed teenagers, aching to see the monkey that once perched upon the chosen's shoulder.

But what of Mally? Is this truly the end of our saga, a happy monkey on an island surrounded by other monkeys, peaceably enjoying their remaining days? Or is that island, that "Mally-bu," not just an island, but a mount? A place for Mally to explain the evils of the humans — the rejection, the pain, the dismissal that they deal to the primates of this planet? Why not rise up and take their planet back?

ME: YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! OH, DAMN YOU! GODDAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

Gigantic, destroyed Bieber statue lies in pieces along the beach.

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