Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn, Earl of Grantham, Downton of Abbey, was made to formally reject the devil on Sunday, when she attended the christening of her new godchild.
The Mirror reports that the baby belongs to a friend of Kate's from college, and definitely not—if Kate has any say in the matter—to the author of all sin, Satan.
She was accompanied by her husband and infant son, both balding. The reverend who performed the ceremony came as close to saying "I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT KATE MIDDLETON" as he possibly could while still remaining polite.
"I don't normally pay a huge amount of attention to godparents as long as the godparents are there and willing to make the appropriate promises."
As godmother, Kate will be charged with all the traditional duties, like praying for the baby every day, answering the baby's questions about faith ("I'm busy"), vaguely remembering the baby's birthday sometimes, giving the baby a pumpkin when it turns into a 16-year-old baby ("You won't believe it, but this is actually a car") transforming the baby's pet mice into draft animals, placing a severed horse head at the foot of the baby's twin bed, and sending the baby a check for £30 three months after graduation.
Kate Middleton's own baby—who, let's just be real, she probably thinks is a way better baby—was baptized back in October, in the presence of seven godparents.
In FutureNews™, Google is currently reporting that Prince George looks like this:
The memory of that other baptism prompted E! to nervously blurt, at the end of today's Kate-Is-a-Godmother blurb "They don't call him the king of kings for nothing!"
E! was referring to Jesus.
If you have any questions about Jesus, please forward them to Kate Middleton.
[Image via Getty]