Kids These Days Just as Dumb as You Were

Every once in a while you run into one of these fresh-mouthed young high school graduates declaring they're going to "change the world" with their "apps" and their "new paradigm" and their "great idea for an electronic dance beat." News flash, kiddos: you're mediocre at best, just like your old man.

Suck it. Suck it, new generation of America, with your iPads and your noiseless cars and your mass refusal to hang out in shopping mall food courts. You think that you're somehow "smarter" than your pop's generation, just because you have marriage equality and Justin Bieber tweets and unlimited pornography on demand? Think again, my friend. The National Assessment of Educational Progress, a.k.a. "The Nation's Report Card," was released yesterday, and since I know that your cell phone "Castle Defense" games and constant use of instant messaging has eroded your attention span down to that of a fruit fly, let me just give you this here little home run of a summary that was published— that's right— on your precious internet:

“The No Child Left Behind Act largely ignored high schools, and the consequences are clear,” he said. “The average performance of the nation’s high school students has remained flat for 40 years, while the economy’s demands have ramped up tremendously.”

Read it and weep, youngsters, if you can manage to do so through your Kanye West-style "shutter shade" eyeglasses. Test scores for high school students haven't improved in 40 years. So go ahead and keep on "at-replying" your friends about how "lame-o" your "stupid" parents are on "4/20." A few years from now you'll be right there working at the Texaco, next to your old man, talkin' bout sports and not believing in science, thanks to the wholesale abandonment of our public education system by political ideologues.

Heh. Stupid kids.