Kids Who Start Dating Young Are Trouble, Just Like Grandma Said

Most kids these days follow the rules and get home by curfew and restrict their "dating" activity to internet pornography, like normal young people. But the ones who start a-courtin' very young? They're trouble. Big trouble, baby.

A new study—and this study was in Canada, so keep in mind that the people involved may be weirdos—found that the wee little sluts and man whores who began holding hands and doing who knows what else in the fifth or sixth grade went on to be juvenile delinquents, just as your grandmama told you would be the case. From the Wall Street Journal:

The early-starting [group of kids in the study] began dating at the age of 11.6 years, on average, compared with 12.9 years for on-time teens and 14.9 years for late bloomers...

Early starters reported twice as many acts of abnormal or delinquent behavior as on-time teens and late bloomers. Behaviors included lying and cheating, picking fights, truancy, disobedience and running away.

What turns you into a lying, cheating, disobedient runaway? Sex. Never try it, kids. At least heroin leaves some hope of rehabilitation. Well well, who are the real "cool" kids now? The nerds, just as I always told you, Denise. You'll respect me one day. Responsible decisionmaking—that takes a real "bad boy," Denise. I'll be waiting for your call.

(And who is "dating" at 11, anyhow? You don't have a car. Where are you going on this "date?" You can't go anywhere. Who taught you to talk to girls, by the way? It apparently worked out pretty well for you. Do you have any advice? Please email me.)

[Photo of "early dating" kids wantonly dancing the "mashed potato": Flickr]