Have you noticed anything odd going on this morning? Oh yes. Let us be the first to tell you that the time to panic is upon us.

ITEM: The New York City subway system suffered an atrocious commute today, with some trains being inexplicably stranded in stations for long periods of time.

ITEM: The website “The Dissolve” folded today.

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ITEM: United Airlines was forced to ground all of its flights after its computer system mysteriously stopped working.

ITEM: The New York Stock Exchange suspended trading today after its computerized trading system mysteriously stopped working.

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ITEM: Immediately after, the Wall Street Journal’s website mysteriously stopped working.

ITEM: More than 2,500 people in Washington, DC mysteriously lost power.

It seems our nation’s centers of powers are facing a mysterious and spreading collapse.

I choose to panic. If you choose to remain calm, good—I’ll get away ahead of you.

[Pic via]